Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Almost the end of the month, and summer, for me, carries a load of expectations that are not met, because they are unrealistic.  For instance:  get up to the cabin way more than I actually can, take a fabulous trip to a country in Europe,  travel with friends, keep up my writing, lose weight (always part of the dream), exercise more, garden.  None of these goals have been met, and are highly unlikely to be.  I have slowly lost some weight, but I now notice I'm eating more again, perhaps to prove to myself I'm hopeless.  Okay, so I'm hopeless.  I still like myself, at least moderately.  I still have some summer left, with a bang up trip over Labor Day.  I believe part of my problem is that my birthday is usually on or around Labor Day, as is my husband's.  So the summer ends with being older.  I know, not logical, every day I'm older, but let's face it, we don't live rationally, we're all a ball of conflicting emotions.  So the summer ends in disappointment, but, as they say, the alternative is worse. 
I'm a little gloomy because it's overcast today, and NOT summery.  Not one little bit.  Did I miss summer yet again?!  I better not.  Time to drive to somewhere hot, which will only take about ten minutes.  See?  I have a plan.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I saw pictures on instagram of my older daughter's trip with our granddaughter.  It looks lovely.  I'm getting an itch to travel, especially as everyone but me seems to be doing it.  But the urge to plan is fading at the same time, and I admit I loved the days when travel agents did the leg work.  When we begin researching a trip, there is too much information, and some of it conflicts, and we end up back where we started.  That happened when we tried to plan a trip with friends and we got reports that made safety an issue, and then the place to book was the most expensive, we lost our confidence in our ability to handle the physical requirements, and it came to nothing.  Our friends have gone on several terrific trips since then, but we have not.  We can't seem to DECIDE things.  Is this ambivalence or reluctance?  We can't decide.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I read a wonderful book at the cabin, Washington Black, by Esi Edugyan.  Set in Barbados, Virginia, Morocco and London in the seventeen hundreds, it follows a slave, George Washington Black and his childhood.  He is remarkable when we meet him, at age eleven, and grows more amazing as his adventures turn him into youth who examines his attachments to his owner's brother and his enslaved champion and what they mean and who he is because of their interest.  His sufferings are great, but his tenacity and intellect lift him from his fate to another, most surprising one.  I had tears at the end of the book, and then realized how much I cared for this fictional boy.  Every scene is vivid and breathtaking.  I was engulfed by a history I barely knew before reading the novel.  Though I was at my cabin in the woods, I was transported back in time and into the lives of people so very different that I "traveled".  What better praise than that?

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've had a week away from the world, including my cell phone, computer, TV, etc.  When we go up to the cabin we are incommunicado, except for a land line for emergencies.  It was perfect summer up there, with the days sunny and hot, the nights cool, and no sounds or lights at all at night.  We really rested, and enjoyed our friends staying next door, as well as their guests.  After decades, we know how to be together a bit of the day, but separate for meals and activities most of the time.  We sometimes eat dinner together, or meet at the beach or take a walk to the store.  My husband worked with my friend at her puzzle, and they just finished this morning, right before we left.  We listened and watched the osprey crying out and diving for fish, saw the eagle, took a two person kayak, and read on our deck.  Last weekend our younger daughter and her son, then her husband came up and we had such fun playing with our grandson, and having lazy breakfasts.  Now we're back to resume our lives:  a dentist appointment, a haircut, calling friends and making dates for walks.  It's all good.  I'm very grateful.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I babysat my youngest grandchild last night and it went quite well.  I had foolishly brought a book, and that never got opened, of course.  He was asleep when they left and woke up as they drove away.  We did the play mat, walked around the house, rocked, and finally I gave him a bottle and he slept for 35 minutes.  Then we bounced, rocked, walked and the whole time I sang to him.  He's cooing a lot, and trying to communicate, and much more interested in the world around him.  We stared out the window at a tree for a long time.  It's very meditative, being with a baby, and you have to let go of plans, as you are truly at the whim of his lordship.  Once you understand that he is in charge, everything goes more smoothly.  Schedule?  Only made to toy with you.  In baby world, everything is fluid.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My friend and I went for a walk and lunch yesterday.  One thing we discussed was a mutual friend turning 90 soon and what to do for her birthday.  She likes art and excursions, so we thought of various itineraries, and then, my friend said maybe we should do the celebration early, as she has a feeling that our friend's struggles against the aging process are now battles being lost.  My friend has a sense of urgency.  I myself can't tell how the friend is doing, except to see that one physical ailment improves and another surfaces.  Our friend is lively, curious, energetic and passionate about "getting out".  I can see she's fighting having any kind of help or plan for when she cannot live alone in her house.  It may not be wise, but it is a testament to her determination to not be locked into the old age cage.  What will I do?  I'm contemplating downsizing and definitely aware of my own limits these days, but how fast and how far do we fall?  None of us knows.  We cannot be entirely prepared.  Too many variables.  But we can support our friend, and keep her in the loop, and root for her version of what she wants for her old age.  But as my mother used to say, what will be will be.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

In his dharma teaching this morning, Anam Thubten talked about witnessing our thoughts and emotions and learning to separate who we are from them.  When that window comes, usually very briefly, pure awareness enters in.  Two days ago was my father's birthday, and my older son sent me a text saying "Happy Birthday, Grandpa", which touched me.  I'd been unaware of the date.  Today, as I was meditating during Anam's talk, I opened my eyes and glanced over at my open door, and there, outside, hovering, was a small bird, not a hummingbird, but not moving, like one, and what arose was that it was my father.  Finally, my Dad had broken through my mess of thoughts.  My new baby grandson has a smile like my father's, as I noticed a week or two ago.  It's as if I am given these glimpses of someone I love so deeply and who is, to me, still alive in my life and always will be.  He's here, if only I pay attention.  What a wonder the world is!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I took a neighborhood walk this morning, watching our footing, saying hi occasionally, and admiring hydrangeas and succulents, until near the end, when we came upon a dog fight.  The two dogs who had been behind us with their owner, had just passed us, politely, both dogs on a short leash, when two smaller dogs who were off leash with their people in the driveway, just went after the leashed dogs and were only restrained after much attitude and defensive defiance.  We walked in the street and crossed it to get away from the bad behavior of the people and dogs, when a man started backing out of his driveway, and my husband noticed his gas cap was off.  We waved our arms and finally he saw us as he stopped at the stop sign.  He got out and fixed the problem, but as we turned onto our street, the peacefulness had evaporated in a tempest in a teapot end.  I immediately got in the car when we reached home, to do some shopping and as I passed the same corner there were now three cars stopped at diagonals and a man, youngish, down in the street.  He'd just been hit in the crosswalk by one of the cars.  I paused, but there were three or four adults at hand, so I turned away and headed up a different street, to avoid them and the possible pile up of more cars turning too fast.  After I had driven several blocks, a paramedic truck with lights flashing passed me, headed no doubt to the injured man.  That corner took on an aspect of the Bermuda Triangle in my mind.  For those few moments, there was some bad karma in the air!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I visited my friend who is moving and therefore downsizing, and was thrilled with some of her things she gave me.  Everything in her place is dear to me, and a lot of it has a memory of when she acquired it, who gave it to her, or some other memory we share.  She is ready to let go of much of her possessions, and cheerful and generous.  I felt a little teary though she's moving much closer to me and I will see her more, I'm sure.  It's just that she has the most exquisite aesthetic sense and her place is like an art gallery, filled with treasures for the eye.  As she says, each of the objects has a soul.  Her soul is rich and deep, and it is, of course, she who is the treasure.  But I found myself a bit stunned as I left, and perhaps having more trouble with the transition than she herself is having.  I know she is wise and right, but the change is giving me a bit of trouble.  I'm not quite the Bodhisattva she is.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had a lovely week up at our cabin with our older son, his wife and our grandson.  Lots of walking, swimming, music, puzzles and reading.  Then we returned and yesterday I saw our youngest grandson for a couple of hours, and afterwards our younger daughter and middle grandson visited and ended up having dinner with us.  This morning I walked and caught up with a dear friend, then talked on the phone with my bestie.  I've gotten groceries and adjusted my sleep and our mail and newspapers have resumed.  There is always a bit of disorientation coming and going, and a slight sense of motion sickness.  I'm not fully here yet, but I'm getting here more and more.  Tomorrow I visit a friend who is moving, but luckily for me, will be much closer than she is now.  So things are changing, there are transitions, big and small, and through it all we adjust and go with the flow.  It's all good.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm packing up for a week at the cabin, and, as usual, I'm not quite sure what's up there and what needs replacing, so I will make a list up there for the next time, when I know for sure what is necessary.  We leave nothing in the refrigerator over the winter, because the power goes off and on with the winter storms, so except for dry goods, we have to start over each spring or summer.  This year there was so much snow we weren't inclined to go up, because we are a little old for trudging up the road in five feet of snow.  But now the lake is up, the wildflowers must be spectacular this year, and I, personally, am ready for heat.  I've bought a new shovel and pail for our three and a half year old grandson, lots of sunscreen, a big, colorful ball, and I can't wait.  We have a lot of history after over thirty years owning the cabin.  Our youngest was four when we bought it from an insurance policy my father left when he died.  It's the best use of money I ever spent.  I love the trees, the lake, the smell of pine, the canoe gliding through the water, the movies outside, the ranger talks, the whole nine yards.  I'm a lucky duck.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I dropped by a baby present for my friend's daughter, who is due this week.  Us grandmas are greatly relieved when the baby is born.  We know too much, have too many stories in our heads, to be sanguine about birthing.  It will all turn out fine I'm sure, but my friend is tense and jumpy, because that's the way it is.  We discussed the marvels of the development of babies from birth to one year old.  She'd just had her friend stopped by with their eleven month old grandchild, and before their eyes he figured out how to stand up from sitting.  They are amazing.  How the brain does what it has to do is extraordinary.  My personal favorite for amazement is how the heck babies learn about humor.  It seems so complex and depending on so many signals.  But they all know what silly is and that if grandma puts a pan on her head that's cause for giggles.  Yes, babies are the ultimate entertainment!  And boy do they like an audience!