Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

 Well, last Saturday I had a stroke caused by my irregular heartbeat.  I  was in the hospital until yesterday.  I'm grateful to have the drug that under the hour window to stop the bleeding.  I'm recovering well with lots of suppport and many doctors appointments!  I am so grateful for more chance at life and friends and family  Our kids rallied around  us and we feel loved and comforted.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had a relaxing time at the cabin and the weather was nice enough for just a light jacket.  There are still lumps of snow everywhere, mostly dirty, but they are melting quickly.  Our grandson tried to make snowballs and sled on a saucer, but we would have had to drive him to better snow, and we all felt like not getting in the car while we were there.  No wildflowers yet, but there were beautiful butterflies around, and one was an amazing orange pattern, not a Monarch but even more spectacular, and it landed on our grandson and stayed for a few minutes.  I believe that had something to do with peanut butter and jelly sticky fingers.  We cooked three luscious meals:  salmon, then chicken pilliard, then turkey meatloaf and mashed potatoes.  We made big breakfasts also.  Every morning we took a walk, then came back for lunch and sat on the deck in the afternoon.  I played many games of dominoes with my grandson, board games, and brought out the miniature fairy creatures, then the playground playmobil toys, then the horse and cattle playmobil, then I watched him play rockets, bunny family in the woods and other inventions.  

My husband can't sleep at the cabin, and he kept me awake as we rested on the pullout sofa bed, but despite his restlessness, I awoke ready to go every morning.  He slept until nine thirty this morning, and he's much less grumpy, but I'm still annoyed with him.  He often doesn't sleep well even at home, and he likes to tell me about it.  I figure it's his problem to solve, and the conversation is old.  My sympathy has dwindled over time.  Nothing I've ever suggested has helped or he won't try it, so I'm way done.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

 We had a pleasant women's group outside on a patio, and we were more relaxed.  I believe we are more comfortable with the pandemic at this moment.  We know about what is happening in Britain, but are more concerned about the Ukraine.   I felt more detached than usual, but maybe because I simply had nothing to say.  I encouraged another member to speak up about an issue that another member hadn't been present to hear about, and I was glad I did, because the member got more useful feedback.  I was supporting her, and not listening to myself.  But I also noticed another member seemed to dominate, and I took note of that.  I won't take any action, but I'm aware.  More is learned by me when I listen, rather than talk.  And I'm grateful to be in a position where I don't NEED to talk.  I'm okay, and looking forward to some days at the cabin with my older son, his wife, son and my husband.  There may even be lupine already!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

 My husband and I picked up two cane chairs that had been repaired.  One my grandson stood on and the other my older son sat on.  Over the thirty plus years we've only had to repair two other chairs, and we have ten, for our dining room.  I love repairing over replacing.  These chairs have character.  They are Victorian, and are actually quite comfortable.  It's fun to go into the shop, as the place is chock a block with old furniture and gourds made into totem poles, sculptures, lights and other unidentifiable objects.  We are still waiting on the repair of the bench memorializing our daughter, and it's been six weeks, but the guy said maybe another month.  They are looking for wood that matches.  Anyway, it's like stepping into a Dickensonian world.  I had a similar experience when I went into a State shop in Mysore, India many years ago.  I felt the same feeling:  in a Victorian world with papers and stations and protocols that were from a civilization now gone.  It takes a very long time and longer wait to transact your business, and other customers are waiting on the sidewalk, as they cannot fit in the shop.  I, for one am charmed, but perhaps my husband, not a literature professor, is less so.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Well, speaking of right speech, Jane Campion blew it with her unconscious racism and eliltism. I just want to know why these actors don't write an acceptance speech ahead of time and run it by their handlers? We wouldn't have experiencedd the big reveal. She actually thinks her upper class priviledged background and white skin means she's struggled as much as a black woman from the lower class who has to run the gaunlet of racist and sexist remarks every day of her life. And people wonder why feminism is divided: It's divided between women of color who face racial and sexist behavior every day of their lives and women who think their brand of suffering is eqivalent to those who are other in more than one way. Thank goodness there are so many women writers of color telling it like it is these days, speaking for themselves and fed up with others speaking for them. What is sad is that Jane Campion had an opportunity to represent women overcoming sexism, but she really only was thinking of "her own kind", not the vast population of non-white women who face discrimination every waking moment of their lives. For them there is no repreive. Their color tells the story.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been listening to Rufus Wainright this afternoon. He has this doleful sound that is also funny, kind of like Tom Waits. He makes me smile. My friend and I went to an outlet store this morning, and, as usual, I did better than she. I cam away with two sweaters, a pullover sweatshirt aand sweatpants that don't look like sweatpants. She found only two replacement pairs of black straight legged pants. We're both very short, but she is curvy and I am straight up and down. Evidently it helps me fit into clothes better, or maybe she is more discerning. She was a doctor and had to wear classic, elegant clothes, while I was a teacher, and lived in longish skirts, tees or sweaters and a blazer. Now I never wear blazers or long skirts, and she never wears elegant outfits. I guess we're fish out of water. I now wear jeans and sweaters with jackets, while she is still more classy, tending to white and neutrals. I'm a gaudy bird by comparison. We still kind of look like what we were: a doctor and a teacher, but gone to seed.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had fun this morning going with my daughter to Target. I purchased three $5 tee shirts, cards, printer paper, and various non-essential items as well as stocking up for the cabin, where we're going with our older son, daughter-in-law and grandson for three nights. We took a long time, and that allowed me to remember I've been needing a new glass pitcher for ice tea, and oven mitts, and Easter items for the grandkids. Then we ate lunch with my husband, outside on a cloudy day, but it felt fine, as that is what I'm now used to: eating with a jacket on. I was supposed to walk with a friend, but she was not feeling well, and we can always go another day. I've been trying to give her a book she wanted to read, but it's not worth a trip in the car to drop it off. Or am I lazy? Well, it's true that errands I used to accomplish without a thought now stop me in my tracks. If it involves getting in the car, I put it off. I'm turning into a sloth. Oh, well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was talking with my therapist about something my Buddhist teacher has said about nirvana: that equanimity is the best definition of itb. I'm attempting to practice equanimity surrounded by all this conflict and hatred that beseiges us. I get glimmers of it, and walking and talking to friends often helps me. Nature is the biggest aid, and soon I'll be going to the cabin with our olde son, his wife and six year old, and my husband and I will get a much needed break from the media, as our cell phones and laptops don't work there. I love that. We can listen to music, and we do have a landline phone for emergencies, but that's it. Tranquility break here I come!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was listening this morning to my dharma teacher's livestream talk, and he addressed the suffering in the Unlraine, Darfur and the Sudan with helpful advice for me. He said we must bear witness and not blind ourselves in order to be more comfortable. The world is this place of suffering, but humanity can offer compassion instead of hate, and do what we can to cause these people caught up in war to be seen and hopefully helped. We've all got compassion fatigue, as he put it, but we should open our hearts wider, not close up. If we love humanity we have to see it clearly and honestly, not as we wish it was. When I think about suffering, I know there are events that we cannot change, like my daughter's death, and ones we can if we have the courage to turn and face the ugliness that our instincts push us to escape. I feel I have been doing a pretty good job of getting information in a non-judgemental and non-clinging way: by reading just what I need to and not dwelling on the sensational aspects of the news. I'm informed, but not addicted. I take time out to pray and rest my compassion on the victims. Images are incendiary, so I am careful with my intake. I strive to keep my heart open and my head clear and brave. It's a struggle, a new one every day.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm tired after a long morning walk with my friend. Reading makes me sleepy. I counter that by listening to music these days. Today I put on the Everly Brothers, which transported me back to my early teen years and sock hops and my first love. I still smile when I think about him. Then I put on a three CD set of Michael jackson, and thought of how little of the story we knew, and how tragic his life became. He's not a fave of mine but he sure was danceable. My younger son was a dancer as a kid and played Jackson in a dance production of "Thriller". When we moved here he gave up dance, except for a role in "Music Man" in Junior High School. Then his younger sister took up the mantle and danced through high school. I always loved dance, from toddlerhood through freshman year of college. And if I get a chance, I still cut a rug!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I finished Stacey Abrams' romance novel, "Never Tell" and it was a fun read. She manages a mystery with a romance where the woman retains her dignity and the man is way too good to be true. It has a subplot of abuse that is detailed enough that readers can learn something about domenstic violence, grooming, and the abuse of power. Plus, it's set in New Orleans, at a university. I like that she is not uncomfortable about her romance authorship, and to me it makes her even more human. Like most of us women, she has delved into this genre. I used to read them when I had two toddlers and the bookmobile would stop at married student housing. And let's face it, "Jane Eyre", "Rebecca", the Jane Austen novels, and many other books I read as a teen were for me at the time aobut the romance. Romances teach other things as well: how to stand up for yourself as a woman, to hold out for the guy who is worthy of you, not the slick talker. They promise that if you hold yourself high, so will your partner. I don't know if her romance books will help or hurt her in her quest for Governor, but for me it says she's one of us, and is not afraid to be herself in all her complexity.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been listening to all my Radiohead CDs today. I danced a bit with some of the songs. It's very danceable music. I bravely tackled the grocery store this morning, as well as the post office. I wanted to mail 3 books to one of my grandsons. This afternoon I cut off two pair of jeans I'd bought and never shortened. It's not a bad job. I was going to take them to the dry cleaners for a professional job, but felt impatient and also, I hate to add to the cost. I like NYDJ jeans but it's hardd to find peptites that I want, and they never have any colors except blue and black. These are green and gray. I do love the pants because they are stretchy and super comfortable, but now that I don't go to the department stores to shop,I can't find anything online. The department stores are very depressing, but there is this local chain not too far from me, and there are jeans and a few other things I like, and at terrific sale prices. I shop for the grandkids there as well, and usually take my grandduaghter there when she visits. Lord knows I've got enough clothes, but a few things are finally wearing out and I've given away all my shoes that don't fit perfectly or I just don't wear. I have a very organized clotthes closet, and no stuff that doesn't fit me right now. I dress for me, in only colors I like, styles that suit me, and for comfort. But I still enjoy the attempt to look pleasant, regardless of my age.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday our older son, his wife and six year old son came down to our area and we met them at our daughter's house, where we had lunch, watched the kids play in the backyard and then took a walk to a nearby park and the three kids played while we pushed them on swings, spun them on gorounds and kept them from falling off slides. It was cold but so nice to get together, and we're all feeling better about exposure, though we wore masks on the walk and inside our daughter's house. I loved witnessing that the youngest grandson has quite a crush on his aunt and uncle, and let them hold him for long periods. I like to believe that when I'm gone they will be a support to each other, as now. When we returned home we had progresso soup and grilled cheese sandwiches for dinner, and watched "Far From the Madding Crowd" a 1979 movie with Julie Christie, Terence Stamp, Peter Finch and Alan Bates. I used to have such a crush on Bates, and I reminded my husband that we saw him in London, live in a theater in the play "Butley" or something like that. We were somewhat confused by the movie so this morning we looked up the synopsis of Thomas Hardy's book. The film was pretty faithful to the novel, but left out a cuuple of crucial plot points that should have been included. Julie Christie was the weak actor in the film. Perhaps, like Elizabeth Taylor, she was too beautiful to believe as a character. They both did better after they aged at conveying emotion. Taylor with "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf" and Christie in "After Her". Today we are taking a break from our schedule: we ate a big breakfast and late, no walk, and no lunch. I'm reading a mystery novel of Stacey Abrams writing as Selena Montgomery and it's pretty good. And fun.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We tried Facetiming with our three year old grandson last night, but, as usual, he was tired and hungry after preschool, and just stared at us. Then I thought of reading to him, which I did, and he ate his dinner while I put on a floor show. That left my husband out, who got grumpy, and our dinner had been delivered and was getting cold, but such our the joys of online communication with the grandkids. When our six year old grandson Facetimes, all we see is the floor or the ceiling while he runs around like a banchee. Luckily, he is visiting my daughter tomorrow so I'll go there to have an in person interaction. we're all tired of Zoom and Facetime etc. I could have done a retreat this weekend, but couldn't stand the thought of a weekend staring at my laptop. Oh well, we actually got some slight rain yesterday and possibly there will be more this weekend. Every little bit helps. At least that is what I tell myself.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My friend yesterday, when we were discussing "The Sentence", said to me, in response to my statement that I hoped a Truth and Reconciliation commission would happen in America for both Indignious Peoples and Black people, that it would never happen. It shocked me a bit, that she would feel so certain that we will never make reparations for our treatment of this portion of our citizens. It seemed too dark and out of character. But I've been thinking about it since, and of course the sheer size of our country versus South Africa or Germany is a difficulty. Is she thinking the schism been red and blue is here to stay? Well, in point of fact, it has always been present in our country, from its founding, and caused a civil war that almost destroyed our union. Perhaps I am the Pollyanna. I believe these traumas have risen to the surface with the spotlight on killings of Blacks and Natives by police, by the increase in hate crimes against all groups, including Asians and Jewish people, and once something rises, it can no longer be covered up. Maybe my friend means we will not live to see it, and that I can believe, because we are in our midseveties and mid eighties. But I know history is cyclical, and therefore there is hope for change. There is no stairway to heaven called progress, but things do change, constantly and sometimes suddenly. Wounds are open because of Covid, but those can be be dressed and healed. I believe that is what Erdrich's book is implying, and I am hopeful.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a walk with my friend this morning and afterward we picked up her six month old granddaughter so my friend could babysit. This afternoon I spent with my my Buddhist swim buddy discussing "The Sentence". We dove into the richness of it for two hours, then I left. Of course I stopped by one of my favorite bookstores and picked up a few delights. Ah, friends. They are essential to me. Since my husband slept badly last night, due to a bunch of things, he was a complete grump this morning. He had to go to the dentist, and therefore I avoided him pretty much all day. I bear no responsibility for his moods, and I'm done with attempting to cheer him up. I'm not a court jester. I'm so happy that book sales actually skyrockeed with the pandemic, and kindles, etc lost big. Books still rule with my generation and my kids'. Perhaps the grandkids will be another story, but so far - as they range in age from sixteen to two, they are avid readers. I hope that continues. I've learned so much from books, including my sense of right and wrong and understanding of what it is to be human. Books are a treasure, and precious to me.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I finished reading "The Sentence" by Louise Erdrich last night. I was thrilled with it. It seems quite a step up from even her previous novel, "The Night Watchman, which won the Pulizer Prize. There is so much humor and lightness in this tale, which encorporates serious issues with emotional psychology and current events in a way that makes the story whole and integrated. I loved that the pandemic is part of it, and the response to George Floyd's death and what language can do at it's most powerful. I really cared for these characters, and how like REAL Indigenious people they were. They were searching for who they were, how they fit in or didn't to white culture, and their ancient traumas visited upon each generation, haunting them and causing so much suffering. The book is about love, in the end, but along the way lessons are learned and a lot of joy comes to life, especially in the marriage of Tookie and Pollux. It is a truly full hearted story, and also a antheum to those of us who love books and bookstores. It's like Louise loosened up and let 'er rip. Read it!