Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Not only did I survive babysitting the two grandsons overnight, but all went smoothly. I got the older one to bed easily, and the younger one was already in his crib when his parents left. They slept until 6:45 am, and we had a breakfast of scrambled eggs and chocolate croissants. They bungled around until my husband came at ten, then we bundled them in the car and went to Little Farm to feed the pigs, cows, ducks, geese, chickens, and sheep. The rabbits cannot be fed but they may be admired. We found a picnic table on the grass and the boys had their lunches. A tree next to us had been fixed up like a fort, with branches making a hideout, and the boys found more branches and played happily for many minutes. Then we came home, and I put the younger in for his nap, and the older and my husband watched a kids' show about dragons. Then the older had quiet time for 30 minutes, and I only had to go in the room about three times to tell him to quiet down. Grandpa helped the older one assemble a toy I'd gotten him, and when the younger woke up they snacked then we went in their back yard where they managed to drag every toy out on the small lawn and destroy two boxes as a fort. We observed and kept them from climbing the back stairs to get to the upper deck. Soon their parents arrived and brought candy, which delighted us all. My husband received taffy, I got sugarfree chocolate almonds and the boys gummy sugary somethings that were colorful. Then we said goodbye, pleased that we had facilitated the parents getting away for their anniversary, and proved that we could keep their children alive and happy, at least for 24 hours. Back at home we made BLTs and watched "Bull Durham" and sighed with relief that it was R rated. Returned safely from toddlerland.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm going to babysit tonight for my daughter's two boys, and I'm nervous. I had developed a comfortable relationship with the older one, now five, and he had stayed with us while his parents went to Hawaii for a wedding, and also when his brother was born for a few days. But then Covid hit, and he's never spent an overnight again, and has become clingy with his parents. He always had trouble with his parents when he was dropped off for preschool, but everything has been exaserbated by the pandemic. He has no real memory of staying with us, and the enticement of treats or DVDs or Fairyland and other fun places has waned. It could be a rough night, but I'm willing to risk it because he needs to get comfortable being away from his parents occasionally. The just turned two year old may have trouble as well, but he's got a studier temperment and is at a better age for distraction. It's my daughter's wedding anniversary, and she needs a break and so does her husband. We talked on the phone last night about them going out at least one night every other week, and I've been babysitting that way once in a while. I had such fun with my foster granddaughter then my granddaughter, and last September we babysit for our oldest grandson, and he was wonderful about it. But these two little boys have been shaken up more than seems apparent by the pandemic, and the anxiety coursing through everyone they encounter. Our third oldest grandson has not stayed overnight because he's two states away and we will only see him probably twice a year. But he has his mother's family up there to stay with and probably already has. But these two a couple of miles away are needing help from us. Wish me luck!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This afternoon I've been listening to Mozart's Don Giovanni. I love the blended voices and switches in tempo and tone. I'm reading Louise Erdrich's "The Sentence" which is delightful. It's lighter and more joyful than anything else of hers I've read. My Buddhist buddy recomended it to me, though I'd already bought it. But I've waited a while to begin it. It's set in and around a bookstore, in fact, Louise's bookstore. I once wrote a novel where the main character owned a bookstore, and I loved the fantasy of it. I tried to buy a bookstore when I first moved back here, a feminist one, but it was too far in debt and the women themelves discouraged it. The location wasn't great either. But part of me wishes I'd at least tried. Later some women friends bought another bookstore close to me and made it into a welcoming, energetic place. It has a combination of books, gifts and plants. They just retired and sold it to a nice couple, who are doing right by the place. I tried to buy tons of books during the pandemic and they expressed their appreciation. It's like a home away from home for me. I'm so lucky: I can walk to five independent bookstores from my house. I feel surrounded by the comfort of it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was a young teenager when Chekoslovakia was invaded, and people kept hoping someone would stop Russia. Now the Ukraine. No one will stop them now either. There is posturing, but nothing more. I am so sorry for those people who will suffer and die. It seems calculated that Putin would act aggressively while the world reels from a pandemic, and the state of panic and chaos is widespread. He has been encouraged by Trump as well, as though the deception perpertrated during our last election proved to Putin that he could get away with anything. He has chosen a time when Americans are relieved to be out of Afganistan, and weary, and feel hopeless about defending people in other countries. We didn't manage to help in Syria, and the Arab Spring is long dissolved. We've lost faith in ourselves and we bicker about who and what we represent as a nation. Putin has read us well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had a little swoosh of rain last night early evening. At least it watered the plants. It had been over forty days of no rain. The Sierras are getting some snow, which is helpful, because it's snowpack that counts. I've lived where it rains all the time (Fiji) and growing up in states with enough rain, as well as seven years in Colorado, which was not in drought at the time, and I'm familiar with the cycles of rain and drought in California, but this drought is the longest in 1200 years. Everyone is conscious of it and worried. Fire is our fear, but even this time of year animals are suffering, trees are dying and the west is parched. One billion trees died in the last few years. Moving from Virginia to California as a kid what amazed me was the size of the trees here and how the forests were vast and primeval. Going back to the east coast on visits, the "woods" seemed almost toy, and the lakes surburban compared to here. We are losing something precious. We are the new Anatazi, and may be driven from our homes as they were a thousand years ago. Humans have always been at the mercy of nature and now they are destroying nature out of inability to look ahead and protect what we have. I'm pretty deeply disillusioned by our species right now, and our lack of concern for future generations. I want my grandchildren and others to have the gift of nature and the health it provides all of us.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

One of the most challenging aspects to Buddhism for many people is the concept of NoSelf. I now realize for me it was one of the concepts that I quickly intuitively embraced. Why? I've been wondering. I think moving as a child made me pose in order to "fit in" and have friends. I kept my thoughts to myself and strove to be the clown and life of the party. When people bullied me I buried my nurt inside and on the surface made friends with those kids. When my father was working in the south, we were coached not to protest when we saw racism but to keep our mouths shut. My father was integrating plants and there were threats and he wanted to protect us. So I sat silent through Confederate flags, women having black women do all their work for them while my mother did her own work, and people discouraging us from interacting with Blacks. When we were in Calilfornia, a whole other shift occured, and I missed my friends in Virginia, but felt comfortable with the politics here. So I know I was shy/showoffy, funny/sad, smart/dumb, flirty/judgemental. I was whatever I felt I needed to be at the moment. My family never talked about feelings, so I was a mystery to myself and they were inscruitable to me. But I did know I wanted to be good and kind - I felt I had a Buddha nature, and that was my core: to treat others with kindness and myself as well. The rest, well, I wasn't KNOWN to others or even myself. When I think of my daughter who died, she appears so complex, that any descrption does not do her justice - it becomes a reduction and simplification of her complexity. I learned things about her during her dying and after her death I'd never known, just as after my parents died I learned crucial facts about their lives I hadn't known. They died young, like my daughter, so maybe there would have been revelations later, but really, who they were is mostly unknown to me. And who I am is also complex and contradictory and unexplainable. But our true nature, that I know. My parents loved us and tried their best. My daughter loved all her family and struggled with her feelings and associations around us. Her heart was noble, as was my parents' and brothers'. That is all that matters.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had our women's group this morning, and I could immediately tell how much more trust there is among us. We really share what is in our hearts these days, and feel confident that the feedback we receive is going to be sensitive and supportive. I feel close to everyone and it was hard for all of us to leave. I walked back home with a member of the group who lives on my street and we ended up talking for an hour outside my house in the cold. We could have gone on all day and night. I've known this woman since I moved here and our kids were best buddies in preschool. We met each other in Munich once, went on night cruises on a lake at Christmas to sing carols, attended each other's kids' weddings and admire each other's grandchildren. She, like me, has a friend who is undergoing treatment for metasized breast cancer whom she tries to support. She lost her husband to cancer, and I lost my daughter. We are linked by history and inclination. I am so grateful for these long friendships and how I can count on these women to be there for me whenever I need it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a lovely couple of days having lunch outside with a friend and then walking around the reservoir, and yesterday going with my husband, daughter and her two boys to this strange park by the waterfront and port, where you can see the trucks pull up with shipping containers and load them onto ships. The boys played first in the sand, then we strolled the younger boy while the older and our daughter rode bikes. Then we all sat on a bench to watch the huge cranes grab the containers, swing them up and load them onto the ship. Toddler or no, it's pretty fascinating. We could watch the ferry boats, the ducks and geese, and the sparkling water. When we returned home my husband and I relaxed until our daughter dropped off the older because the younger had a two year old pediatrician's appointment. We walked our fellow to the nearby store, where he picked out pushups and chocolate chip cookies, then we watched part of "The Secret Life of Pets 2". Our grandson laughed himself silly, and we like it too, so after his mother picked him up we saw the rest. Then we watched an old Sandra Bullock film "Murder By Numbers", which is in her usual vein of herself as sorrowful and unattractive (Yeah, right) but she does a good job. I can only think of two of her films where she isn't a sad sack: "Speed" and the one where she won the Oscar. How she gets to play an ugly duckling and unloved I'll never get. Just her miles of legs alone would make her a princess. But she cornered the market on the Buster Keaton sad sack pout.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The Weather is warmer and not windy today, so my friend and I had a nicer walk than yesterday afternoon. Even the coffee tasted better. We often discuss relationship issues, and find that our complaints are quite similar, though she is a widow and has had her partner living with her in her house only for the last ten years. I am coming up on 48 years of marriage with my husband, and we raised four kids together; my two from my first marriage and our two between us. My friend has two grown kids, and her partner has three grown kids, and they've never lived as a blended family. Yet the fact that we are women and they are men slots us in similar situations, universal you might say. Both of them are not comfortable with feelings and expressing feelings and act cornered if we try to described ours. But they are good guys at heart, and we only grumble to let off steam. Most of my friends are widows or unpartnered, so I have limited resources to talk about men. In my women's group, all but two of us are widows, and actually, my first husband is dead as well. I guess we're getting to that age, but these women lost their husbands in their forties. They raised their kids alone from ages around 10 and 13. They are warriors, for certain.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm reading "The Zen of Therapy" a new book by Mark Epstein, a psychaitrist. I've read several of his books before, and I find him easy to read and so helpful with his examples from his own life and his patients. Already, in the introduction, his description of his wfie realizing, without effort or intention, that her mother's worrying had automatically transfered to her, though it was not conscious, caused her to take a look and become aware that worrying was not necessary, and she need not carry it on her own shoulders to prove that she loved her mother. She could let go of worry, once she became conscious of it. It was not a useful habit, and had no origin in her own personality. I've had those epiphanies, where something I'd been hiding from myself I finally allowed myself to look at clearly and face what I'd been avoiding. One time, when I was doing walking meditation on a retreat, I suddenly realized my first husband had tricked me into marrying him so he could stay in this country after he flunked out of college. He did not tell me until later, and I buried it deep because the wound was too great. Another time I saw that the rage my mother and father carried was not mine. In fact, I never knew why they were angry, but I knew it had nothing to do with me. I didn't need to be loyal by taking it on, and it dissolved instantly. If we give ourselves space, quiet and time, we can look at what we were afraid to see and be kind to ourselves and lay down the burden. Meditation has given me that gift, again and again.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

The most amazing thing about my weekend at the cabin was that I did not fall and break something essential. We had to park below our hill and the first half of the road was snow covered over by ice, but I slowly and carefully make my way back and forth. My daughter helped me find my ancient snow boots, the ones with cleats sipped over the soles, and those and the walking sticks I'd brought up saved the day. The water came on, the heat came on, no trees had fallen and all was functional. My five year old grandson went off the next morning with his dad and skiied for the first time, then my daughter picked him up and my son-in-law skiied some more. Then we all went down to the lake and the four of them shedded. The two year old was fearless and the five year old sledded by himself brilliantly. Then we all slugged our way back to the cabin and my daughter fixed spagetti and meatballs and brussel sprouts, and I made hot chocolate with marshmellows for the five year old, and then we roasted some in the fire without setting the cabin aflame. Yesterday morning we sang happy birthday to the one turned two year old, and he opened presents, then they all facetimed with my in-laws. We went down to the lake to sled again, but the sled broke so we took a walk and snacked at a picnic table then headed up again for lunch, cupcakes and packing to come home. The newly two year old slept the entire way in the car, the five year old watched 1 1/2 Ice Age movies, and the three adults talked. I am so grateful I decided to go, because it was great to get away, and I helped my daughter handle the two little rascals. I was so tired last night I went to sleep at eight pm, but today I feel fine. My husband stayed back because of his leg, which has been bothering him, and watched Star Trek movies both nights, which really bore me. So we had a breather from each other and got to do exactly what we wanted. It's good to take a break from compromise.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm going to the cabin this afternoon with my daughter, son-in-law and their two boys. They are hoping to give the older son his first ski lesson. My husband isn't going up because he has a leg that is bothering him, and the cold and hiking are not a good idea. On Sunday it will be the younger boy's second birthday, and I'm bringing the Tonka truck I bought him as well as a jellycat pig and two baby pigs. We'll have cupcakes and balloons, which will be all he can handle anyway. My fear is something will be broken, or the water won't come on because the pipes have frozen. You name it, we've been surprised by it. When my older daughter drove to the cabin after Christmas with her daughter to meet friends driving up from Los Angeles, the power company picked that week to cut down trees, and it was so loud and irritating that everyone packed up and went home. When we next came up we discovered the water pipe had been broken by the heavy trucks they used. Then there are the mice, the racoons abiding under the deck and other joys. Oh, well, what can I do? Someone has to go up sometime. I just hope the power is on, the heaters and water work, and the boys see it as an adventure. Me, it's kind of like being in the Donner Party.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I watched "Isle of Dogs" by Wes Anderson last night. We'd only seen it once before, and, though I love Anderson, it's for his design and visuals, as there is not any real message in his films. They present a pseudo-adolescent point of view, and though joyous, do not exactly speak to me at my age. But this one isn't even joyous, and the dismal plot and inferences to the Holocaust are distasteful. Looking at the dogs is painful, and from my point of view the Japanese language, references and setting are racist. I won't watch it again, but then my taste for his movies has diminished over time. He's an artist, but I'm not the comic book affectionado it requires to sink into his stories. He's unique, and probably a lot less flawed than Terence Malick, but Malick has produced some absolute masterpieces among his experients, like "New World" and "Thin Red Line". I know what Malick is searching for: connection, but Anderson seems mostly out to amuse himself and his buddies. They are both geniuses, but I prefer the the one over the other. Just in case I sound high-fallutin', we watched an episode of Remington Steele beforehand. We own the first season and are rewatching it. Pure fluff, but delicious, like cotton candy!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

There is wind again today, and so everyone is jumpy. My friend and I walked anyway, but I'm a bit frazzled by it. We stopped by See's Candies so we could get a treat for my two grandsons I'll see this weekend and her almost granddaughter who is a teen. I also bought peppermint candies for my sweet tooth husband and a few sugar free toffees. She picked up something for her partner. We do errands on our way on our walks, so she stopped in a fish market to buy salmon, and later she left me to get milk at the grocery seven houses from me. It's supposedd to be 72 degrees today, which is great except for the fire/drought component. My husband and I are searching for a place to stay for our anniversary, but it's pricey. We can't quite decide, as we've been to every reasonably distanced area to drive to in a couple of hours or less. That's what we get for being married 48 years. And I am going with my daughter, her husband and boys this weekend to the cabin, so my son-in-law can begin to teach the five year old how to ski. I'll help out with the boys and just have a get-away. I don't love the cold or winter anymore, but I've not really had time with the boys in a while. And my daughter has been so overwhelmed with teaching she hasn't had a minute to do anything, but this week she is off and yesterday we went out to lunch and shopped a bit, finding birthday gifts for the about-to-be two year old, a shirt for each of us and some Christmas sale goodies at Sur La Table. It was so nice to have time with her again.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday we drove up th see our older son,wife and grandson. We were celebrating our son's and his wife's birthdays this month. It was a warm, sunny day, and none of us had been exposed to covid all week, so we dared drive to a nearby town and eat outside for lunch. We had tapas and olives and cheese bread and scallops and all good things. We took our leisurely time, and shared chocolate mousse, except for the six year old who had soft serve with chocolate sauce which he almost finished. Then we drove back to their house and watched the grandson show off his robot, which he had programed, and we strolled along beside him while he rode his new bike around a cul de sac. We left at four, having had a semi normal day, and having eaten not inside, but outside a really good restaurant with great food. We've all missed birthday outings so much, and what we missed this time was our daughter and family. Before covid we had a crowd, but now our younger son, his wife and child have moved two states away, and the older is comtemplating a move a state away this coming summer. We will be perhaps just our daughter, her husband and two boys. This stage of our family is the getting on with their own lives and not needing us for babysitting phase. My parents did a terrific job of traveling, playing golf, eating out with friends and playing bridge. But covid makes all of those kind of activities tricky, so we do hiking, walking with friends or reading, doing puzzles and watching DVDs. Socializing is the big challenge. Even our women's group took a hiatus for six weeks because of omicron, and we are all super careful. It's that we all have grandchildren whom we must protect, and some of theirs and two of mine are too young to be vaccinated. Today my husband and I are trying to figure out where to go for a weekend for our 48th wedding anniversary. The first place we thought of has a huge hot springs mineral pool, but then we figured that's not safe, with a lot of people breathing in the steam. Another place has jacked up their prices way beyond the amenities. Now we're looking at other places that seem safe and only an hour or two away. And what I'd really like is friends to celebrate with, and just stay home. Ah, well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Last night we were supposed to go to an outside restaurant for Mexican food with our son-in-law and two grandsons, but everything conspired against us. Firstly,our son-in-law was late and with an almost two year old and five year old, they are melting down by the minute. The five year old wanted his stuffed kitties from their house, but we were at ours, and he refused to walk to the car. In said car he kept up the wheedling, and when we reached the cafe, there was no parking in the lot or nearby, so when we finally found a spot it was a long walk, again with the five year old balking. It was dark, it was cold, and when we got there the line was long and there were no tables. We finally left, and as we got back in the car, I said to drop my husband and I off at home. Going to their house was going to mean waiting for a food delivery and watching a toddler show on TV and more meltdown. My husband and I had Progresso soup and grilled cheese at home, and were exhausted and a bit depressed. I told my daughter today in a text that we really never took our own kids out to dinner, because kids that age are overtired and irrational. But her generation somehow thinks with a magic formula they can take out young kids. At 5 pm, maybe, but not at 7. I felt guilty for not staying and helping, but it had not been my idea to begin with. She was meeting with teacher friends, and we were meant to help our son-in-law handle kids, and they only wanted daddy. Only the younger one would even hold our hand, but then he had to be carried most of the time. Ugh. We try to be respectful and go along with whatever the parents plan, but sometimes, I think I should just opt out. Especially when I know it's not going to end well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've just finished taking a walk with a friend. We talk a lot about grandchildrem as we are so ethusiastic. She has a six month old granddaughter who is sitting up now, and I've got a box of toys for her age, that are way too young for even my youngest grandson. Tonight our daughter, son-in-law and their two boys are picking us up for a zoo lights show at five pm. We tried to get tickets before, but the holidays were swamped and also it was raining a lot then. The delima is dinner. We're bringing snacks and will see how we feel about buying food there. It may be too cold to sit outside and eat. We might have to keep moving, but we will try to bundle up. I'm bringing a flashlight because tripping and falling is my fear. I love this zoo, as the spaces for the animals are so generous and well thought out, and the animals seem healthy. I love the warthogs the best, but the kids love the giraffees and meerkats. I'm not sure if we'll be seeing many animals, as a lot of them have acreage and pasture away from the daytime enclosures. It will be interesting to see. We used to love the tigers - four sisters rescued from a horrible captivity in Texas, but they are all gone now. Texas does some pretty horrible things regarding exotic animals. I remember my brother taking me years ago to a restaurant which had huge animals in glass cages that you could see while you ate. It appalled me. I'm grateful my immediate family were not hunters, though some of my mother's relatives are. My parents only fished, and by six or so I didn't want to participate. I've been fairly squeemish ever since, and only eat poultry, fish and seafood, and not even all of that. No duck or squid for me. I've been vegan, when my younger daughter was a teen, but my husband suffered so I cook some meats now. But no pork. I like pigs.. And I can still remember my mother's mother slaughtering a pig and the blood dripping, a way that causes immense suffering to the animal. Lesson learned.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

This is the second day of wind, and I keep looking up at the cedar tree, hoping more limbs don't come crashing down. I just returned from a walk with a friend, and it was kind of unpleasant with the cold, the wind and our noses running nonstop. We managed to each find a book to read from the Little Library stations along our way. I'll have to battle the wind again when we pick up our two grandsons, or maybe we'll drive, as they are both recovering from colds. Today is our older son's birthday and we serannaded him over the phone. We're hoping to get together Saturday, if none of us has been exposed to covid. We used to celebrate his and his wife's birthdays separately, but covid has erased that tradition. I feel for the east coast and midwest over these snowstorms they are enduring. Our son and our younger son and sons-in-law are such terrific parents, and handle so much childcare and nurturing. It's good to have lived this long to witness it. Right now the men are the primaries in three of the four cases, and the fourth makes up for it nights and weekends. Covid has pushed men to adapt and share responsibility and though covid is a nightmare, it has shuffled work and home in some pretty interesting ways. I'm so proud of these guys, and happy for their spouses.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

With our son-in-law's help, we took the memorial bench to a canning shop we've used before for our dining room chairs, and though it will take 5-6 weeks to be repaired, I felt relieved. All this damage is going to cost us a fortune, but we are well aware that structural damage to the studio or house wwould have been horrible, so we are calm and grateful. Our insurance inspector is not coming out until a week from tomorrow, but it is highly unlikely they will pay anything. We're just going ahead to replace what we've lost, but we are keeping the broken bridge, birdbath, hammock and pots here for him to look at. Today is another sunny day, and I hope to take a walk to purchase valentine cards and a tee shirt for my granddaughter. Also birthday cards, as this is a month of birthdays for our family. And I'm thinking shepherd's pie for dinner, so I'll stop at the store to get peas, an essential for the recipe. It is great to see the canning shop is still in business. There is an older couple and a couple of younger people as well, who I assume are learning the craft. Just seeing the wonderful old furniture, lovingly being repaired, is warming. I feel that way when I see a shoe repair shop or a clock repair place. I'm nostalgic. I used to always take my shoes to repaired, as well as handbags. Now I hope people recycle them to charity shops, but I'm afraid we are in an era of trashing. I still spray my shoes with weatherproofing and polish them when they need it, but my husband doesn't care for his shoes. Eventually he buys a new pair and treats them badly until they are embarassingly scuffed. I don't know if we were raised differently or he just can't be bothered. I love old things and have "vintage" clothes and shoes and bags. A boiled wool Mexican jacket I've owned for fifty years, and I have another wool coat I call my "Kim Novak" coat. I have no idea if my kids or grandkids will want them, but I hope someone does. It's history, and I believe there are still historians out there.