Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband had a restless night therefore I did as well. But before I went to bed I had anxiety, because of my friend's fall and injury. When someone you love needs you, and you live in a Covid world, you are kind of powerless. This morning my daughter called because her younger son was sick and her husband stayed home with him yesterday, but she had to today. The stress of two toddlers and a job teaching second grade and the paranoia of covid makes balancing everything an almost hopeless task. The parents of her students are freaked out because of their children being back in school, and she has to deal with everyone's PTSD. I cannot help much because when another grandson got a flu right before covid we caught it and were laid up six weeks, so we no longer feel indominable. I hate not being able to help out because of my age and vulnerability. It's exasperating. So my blood pressure was up a bit, and I want to be a fairy godmother with a wand, but, guess what? I'm no such thing. No magic powers at all. I want to fly up and help my friend, and go over to my daughter's house and give her a break, and I'm not going to do either. Shucks!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a nice walk with a friend this morning, and we also did some errands together. She got bread, I picked up Vitamin D3 at a pharmacy while she got her second pneumonia shot, and we went to the bookstore and purchased books. This afternoon I talked to my friend and will, in another hour speak with a second friend. It's a beautiful day today, and the temperature is perfect, and we even had a sprinkle of rain last night. I have a new book of Craig Johnson's in my hot little fist, and though all is not right with the world, and my friend had a bad fall and an emergency room visit, I feel optimistic. The grandchildren make me happy and my friends and my husband, who, when we received a desperate call from our daughter last night because her older son's beloved stuffed kitty was missing, found it downstairs among the toys and drove over to deliver it to said four year old, who gifted us with a picture he did to thank us for rescuing kitty. There would have been no sleep last night if she hadn't been found. My hero!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I stayed overnight at our older son's house, so we could watch our grandson while he and his wife spent the night at a spa. They had a great time getting away. It was the first time since their son was born, almost six years ago. We took a walk each day, did many puzzles, played a board game I brought up, and watched "Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs" and "Totoro". His parents had asked us to help him organize his lego stuff, his art table and his kitchen on the back porch. There was a lot of sand in the kitchen and on every toy dish and food. I tackled that task alone, and it was relatively easy. The lego organizing was difficult, but a bunch of ziplok bags helped, though there were many tiny legos that just had to be lumped together. The art table was also my challenge, and again ziploks helped, but his artwork and supplied really had nowhere to be after they were bagged. I expect all three areas will be a mess within twentyfour hours, but NOT MY PROBLEM! It's great being the grandparents, and I was most appreciative when we returned to our home and even though we have a lot of toys for the grandkids, I've got them out of the way and organized. Of course, we have a bigger house and more closets, bureaus and places to put things. And I am free to get rid of stuff whenever I wish, without a child protesting.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I traipsed around a reservoir this morning, but we didn't get there early enough, and it was through the tunnel, which is like following the road to Oz. The climate is completely different, and it was twenty degrees hotter there. Did we bring water? Of course not. Did I sweat? It was like I'd taken a shower: my hair was soaking, my straw hat, sweat was rolling down the back of my shirt, and I had on black denim jeans that fit snugly, so that my legs felt like they were being sauted in hot sauce. We usually don't stop the two plus miles around, but today I stopped three or four times. I thought of collapsing, but didn't want an ambulance to come and embarass me. When we returned home I had a long tall glass of ice water, and couldn't even have any lunch for a while. I had suggested we walk around the neighborhood, but was persuaded to do the reservoir without considering we did not get an early start and not asking if my husband had checked the weather. I won't do that again. We did see some pelicans, and now that I've survived the ordeal, and had lunch, and cooled off, I can laugh about it. But during the walk I was not amused.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I went with two friends to see the Judy Chicago show and we were all quite pleased and impressed. We'd seen The Dinner Party over forty years ago, and what an amazing trailblazing career she has had! She's followed her heart and tried so many things. What we were most impressed with was how collaborative her art has always been and how much credit she gives to those with whom she works. Their names are right up there with hers, and it's such a feminist sensibility to collaborate with other women artists. My grandmothers and mother were in quilting bees, as well as embroidery and knitting groups. Each of their completed projects bore signs of all of them. Contrast that semsibility with male artists, who stole, hid others' work on their art, and we end up with "school of" instead of any credit for their contributions. Even Judith Leyster and Artemisia Gentleschi were hidden as the artist behind works attributed to Frans Hals and Orasco Gentelschi. It's so refreshing to be honest about attributions instead of egocentric. Great show!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We're about to go pick up the two grandsons from their preschool. We walk about a mile with the double stroller, then pick them up, lock and load, and ply them with snacks the mile back. They go through two applesauce squeezies each, fig bars, granola bars, and then when we arrive home the current treat is ice cream pushups. By then they are covered in crumbs and sticky stuff so we mainly play out in the back yard. It's like feeding baby birds and they are starving. Preschool uses up a lot of calories evidently. I gave up worrying about their dinnertime a long time ago. These two are in the present at all times. Saying it's close to dinner is like lecturing to kittens. They talk about their day in their separate classes, and we check on the sow bugs and worms under the potted plants, and they attempt to get on the hammock, which luckily they cannot do without our help, and ring all the bells in the garden, probably about two dozen total. Then the younger one walks across our tiny bridge a few times and before you know it, Mommy is there to pick them up. (And try to get them to dinner) Oh, dear.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I walked with one friend this morning, then had lunch with another. I was outside a lot, and it felt great. The weather was hot, but not humid. My lunch friend and I went to two thrift stores after we ate outside, and I got two children's books, little metal trains (Thomas variety), two stuffed animal birds, a 60 piece puzzle showing Snow White, and other essential purchases. I picked out two bracelets and a pair of earrings for my granddaughter, and even a bag and two sweaters for me. All for the price of one of the sweaters. It was like treasure hunting, an activity my four year old grandson loves to play. I guess I must be part pirate myself. I love used things. They have history and connect me with others. I've really missed bargain hunting, and it's good to feel safe enough to venture out a bit again.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today is warm for us. We are aware of the Cawdor fire near the Giant Sequoias, and nervous about these ancient trees being lost. Already, last year, 10% of the world's sequoias were burned. These trees have been on earth for thousands of years, and witnessed human history. This week they wrapped the survivors in aluminum foil blankets, but the danger is great. We are dependent upon trees to clean the air for us, shade us from heat and provide a spiritual connection with nature and the earth. They house the birds we love to observe, and all manner of creatures. Last summer we discovered tree frogs lived in the pines next to our cabin. It was amazing to discover they were living right with us and could jump and survive without a water source. When the trees burn they leave myriad creatures homeless and starving and drive them into people's paths where they are killed or trapped and relocated. Fire has its place in nature, but it is man who has made fire into a monster. We insist on living in the forests, destroying habitat, and then we want our structures protected at all costs. I pray we put more effort into protecting trees and animals, and share this planet. It is self destructive to do otherwise.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday I woke up with my right knee really hurting. This sometimes happens, so I took two Tylenol and pulled on my knee elastic sleeve, and I took it easy until the Tylenol kicked in. I babysat my two grandsons all afternoon, but luckily they were happy just being at their house and playing. All I had to do was follow the four year old's directions and feed them like baby birds, and the weather was so dreary anyway, none of us felt like being in their back yard. One of my tasks was to spin the baby's spinner toy as if I was jacking up a car, as the older boy was pretending he had an auto repair shop. It seemed to involve every toy in the house, so once in a while I had to insist he let the eighteen month old be allowed to take the toddler trike or wooden truck and use it so HE had something to play with. I think because both are in preschool five days a week, they enjoy relaxing at home. Finally daddy returned home first, and I left. When we ordered pizza for dinner back home it seemed like a good idea, but it was Saturday night and it took until almost eight o'clock for them to deliver it to our door. We watched the movie "Beginners", which I love and my husband does not, and even today he had two more reasons why he didn't like it. Christopher Plummer won a supporting Oscar for his performance, and I think the script is witty and Ewan MacGregor adorable, but my husband didn't like any of the characters. When the movie choice leans my way, my husband grumbles and protests. But fair is fair, didn't I just watch Dwayne Johnson in "Rampage"? I rest my case.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My friend and I were heading in her car to take a walk at a nearby lake and when she stopped and turned right a Harley-Davidson motorcycle came from a left turn and brushed the side of her car. He stopped and we pulled in behind him. My friend said to wait a minute so we stayed in the car and he got off the motorcycle and checked his right foot and ankle, then his left. He looked his bike over and we got out with our masks on. He then surprised us by saying everything was okay and waving us off. He got back on the cycle and took off. I was certain my friend would have to exchange insurance information, but no. I believe we were at fault, but frankly, I didn't see him until he was beside us and it was a gentle nudge that we felt. How relieved my friend must have been to not end up with an upsetting scene and a biker yelling at her. He was calm and gentle, and completely kind. He didn't lecture her, describe his experience or waste any words. I think he must have been Buddha!

Wandering Along the path: Right Speech

My husband and I were discussing Louise Penny's new mystery, The Madness of Crowds, this morning, as he finished it yesterday. It's definitely one of her best, and he'd done some research, and found that one of the persons referred to in the book was real, complex and controversial. I appreciated the information, and believe I understand why she brought him into the plot, because he was an intelligent man who meant initially to do no harm, but ended up crossing boundaries in his attempt to help people with psychiatric disorders. Her book addresses the madness of crowds directly, and the inferrence is Donald Trump and his crowds. She is giving a warning as to the levels of harm these kind of people with no self awareness and the drive to follow others no matter what direction they go. She's showing woundedness and where it can lead us. I found it very insightful and thought provoking. Anyway, my husband is not a great reader, so it's fun when we read the same book and can talk about it. I've been trying to find a book club for years with no success. They are all closed. Luckily, I have a couple of friends who read some of the same books, so I have some opportunities to share responses. And I read reviews to get another take on a book I've read. And, speaking of which, I read the NYTimes review of Richard Powers' new book, Bewilderment, and it's so negative I may not buy novel. You seldom see something so scathing, but perhaps any novel would be a disappointment after Overstory.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday I sent off a playlist my daughter made for me on Spotify six months before she died. Now we're going to use it on the website for her virtual service next month. At the same time she ordered a little red speaker and headphones for me. She wanted to get me up to speed. I remember how many great bands and singers she introduced me to, and her excitement when she and her husband flew to New York and saw Hamilton, and she brought me back the CD. Her enthusiasm was so contagious. Typing up the list brought heartache. But often we were deeply atuned about music. When she and her second husband were married, at the rehearsal dinner the night before the ladies of our family did the traditional thing of singing to the couple, and one we sang was Magnetic Fields' "The Book of Love". It turned out she and her fiance had recorded it on a CD to give as a favor at their wedding the next day. She introduced me to Cockteau Twins, Dead Can Dance, Jeff Buckley, Rufus Wainwright and so many more. Almost every kind of music I hear reminds me of her. She played the flute as a kid, then was the drummer in a band. Her voice was lovely, and her daughter has inherited it. She left us enriched by so much beauty.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood, Mr. Rogers. I see him as on the continum of my Buddhist teacher, whom I've just finished listening to online. Every other week he livestreams a dharma talk. This one was a thinly disguised pep talk in response to the the division and seeming chaos in the world right now, and maybe to the the twentieth anniversary of 9/11 yesterday. The media gives us example after example of evil, hatred, anger, greed and selfishness. Whereas, and I believe this, there are countless acts of goodness throughout the world every day. For Buddhists, emptiness means that things and events have no intrinsic good or bad value. There is form, but no valuing without our minds labeling it. Who we are is more complex than our minds' thoughts, or our feelings that arise. And he reminds us that if we observe the pause between our thoughts or feelings, we can make a choice. Reading the descriptions of people's memories of 9/11, there were countless acts of compassion and goodness. People saved each other's lives, and others sacrificed their lives to help others. Yes there is evil in the images of the planes hitting the towers, but we can choose to focus on the overwhelming response of people around the world to our distress. My older son was getting married in ten days, and so many people rallied around him and his bride and got on planes and supported their love and new life together. They made a choice. Goodness is real. As real as the evil, and all of us contain both. We are human. But we so often choose love and compassion. It is just that those stories live privately, not publicly. I'm glad that yesterday most news sources chose the positive for once.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today we spent with our older son, his wife, and their five year old. Our younger daughter and her family were supposed to be here as well, but her husband had a cold, the younger son a runny nose and she woke up with a sore throat, so they didn't want to give it to any of us by exposing us. Our son-in-law had gotten a covid test but still...Everyone has to be cautious, and so many plans get canceled these days. Anyway, we ordered Indian food to be delivered, sat out on the patio and I played the Ladybug game with our grandson. Then we all took a walk in the neighborhood, came back and had cake to celebrate my husband's and my birthdays. The weather was great and it was a relaxing day. I'm grateful any celebrations are possible. And I'm grateful for my family's health. After losing our older daughter, I'll never take health for granted again. It's a gift, the biggest one of all.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I walked to a nearby toy store and picked out some balloons, balls, cars, and other items for party favors for Saturday, when two of our kids, their spouses and three grandchildren will be having brunch at our house. These little boys have missed birthday parties and events for a long time, and I aim to be celebratory when they come for my husband's and my birthday brunch. I have hats, paper plates and napkins and a big sign as well. Our family does what it can to normalize our lives. We adults can be around other vaccinated adults, but the grandsons have a long time to go before being eligible for a vaccination. Every interaction with other children carries a risk to them, their parents and us. They might not be aware of it, other than having to mask at school, but the rest of us carry that tension in our bodies at all times. I hope we all forget all this context and just have a lovely goofy time Satturday.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My friend took the time to write an email about her experiences being with her mother when she died, and how that is feeling a couple of days since. I was so touched she wrote, and some of the things she said echoed my experiences when my dad died, and I was in charge of the care and concern of his friends. I didn't feel ready for it, I was only forty, and my mother had died only ten months before. I got through it somehow, then talked to my therapist twice a week for year, and recouperated from mono to boot. I really empathathize with what she's going through. At the same time in the same week, my dear Aunt died, and I've been trying to support my cousin, whom I'm very close to, but texts. My aunt died on my birthday, which feels strange as well. My friend and cousin are embarking on a long journey. As I told my cousin, no matter how old you are, when your last parent dies, you feel like an orphan. The last person who loves you unconditionally is gone. These are paths we all take, and loving support is all we can offer each other. And the grieving is long and closure is not a possible goal. Acceptance maybe, but the loss is there in your heart forever more.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Whew! My birthday is over and now I have to live with the results: Another year older an deeper in debt, as the old song says. I still have more celebrations to come: dinner tomorrow night with friends, my older son and his family and younger daughter and her family for brunch Saturday, lunch out with another friend next week. We've gone from presents to flowers or less, because none of us needs a thing. In fact, we're all trying to get rid of stuff. Today we had a tree guy out to see about trimming our many trees, and I love listening to him. He's an arborist, and educates us about the trees we have, like the Scottish Yew, the Beech tree and many more. Back at the time our house was built, 1909, it was popular to plant Scottish Yew trees on either side of the front porch, sometimes even with the third tree in the middle, but all that has survived is one on the corner of the porch. Now the PGE person wants us to cut it down so he can put in a new smartmeter for gas. We'll see which is more costly: cutting it down or having a new meter put in. The thing is, it affords us privacy from the neighbor on that side, whose house and yard is a mess. They are always working on it, and nothing ever gets done. It looks like a construction site, with junk everywhere and the back yard a wreck. We've taken out a door, installed smoked windows and blocked our view on the side in every way possible. The neighbors are nice, but evidently have no need to have their place look like a loved house. The owner of our house before we bought it shrugged his shoulders. He couldn't explain it and decades later nothing has changed. Very strange.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today is my birthday. I began the day with a nice breakfast made by my husband, and a beautiful gift of Indian pottery. Then I went to my driving test, and waiting in line in my car for an hour because something, I don't know what, happened. I thought I was driving well, but at an intersection a bunch of teenagers were on the median and crossing when she told me to make a left turn. I asked her if I should, because they were bouncing around and goofing, but she failed me right there and then because I didn't proceed quickly through the intersection. The high school was a quarter of a block away, and I know those kids like to tease drivers and walk against lights, so I was cautious. I guess the lesson is to plow through pedestrians. She made me another appointment, December 7, which seems ominous, as the Japanesse bombed Pearl Harbor that day, but anyway, these tests are so subjective. The testers were clearly having a bad day and backed up, and she dispensed with me quickly so she could move down the line. Amazingly, I wasn't too upset, I mean I could write a book about these testers, and I had one that was sadistic back a few years. This one was polite at least. Anyway, my husband and I went out for a nice lunch, I took a walk with a friend and instead of cappuchinos we had Lemon Drop cocktails, and then I played Scrabble with my husband and he won, but not by much, so that was fine. We're ordering dinner to be delivered, and we will watch a movie and it's all good. If you think I'm overly mellow, it just might be the Lemon Drop.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My cousin texted me that his mother, my aunt is dying. She was a firecracker, and political, the right wing kind. But she had a huge heart, and when my brother died, she called me in Texas and her conversation comforted me so much. Her son and I are close, and he and I have visited many times. He and his wife flew out to my younger daughter's and then younger son's weddings. He is an amazing man and that is partly his parents. His dad was my mother's favorite sibling, except for an older sister. My aunt has had a life of blessings and joys, and her joie de vivre animaated everyone around her. My cousin and I start talking and cannot stop. We laugh and tease and he is the best of my mother's huge family. Our politicas even align. I think he's ready to let her go, but that doesn't mean he won't be sad. He was a great son, and spent every Friday night at her house and took her out to dinner, then drove home many miles the next day. A devoted son. And she will live on in him, his three children and seven granddaughters.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Two neighborhood friends visited me this afternoon, bringing back the novel I'd lent them which I wrote and was published in 1993, a lifetime ago. I feel quite distant from who I was then, just having moved back to here and having suffered the death of both my parents in a 10 month period. That was a long time ago. It was good to see them again, and they brought their little dog with them. She was very well behaved. We talked about books and finally about my daughter's virtual service and my friend's wife's death. She has moved on and came with her new partner, and I am trying to do the same. Her new partner is delightful and gave me some recommendations of books by authors I'd never heard of, which is always a treat. There is sorrow, there is joy and both are so interlaced that they hold us up and keep us awake and in the present. I showed my friend my first edition of Gerald Manley Hopkins' poems. A few years ago we discovered that as children we had both memorized "Spring and Fall to a Young Child" and could still recite it from memory. We have a heart connection, my friend and I.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It's a sunny day, but the air is "unhealthy for sensitive groups", which undoubtedly includes my husband and I. Should we walk and breathe it in, or stay in and get fatter? That is a question. I believe I'm going with the bad air, as my friend and I will walk later today. In the meantime, I can clear out my car before I have my Tuesday driving test, wash the windows, and obcess about where the lights are and the defrost. It's the little things that trip you up. I will swivel my neck around to show I'm a watchful driver, and pray I don't drive over curbs or do a rolling stop at the stop signs. There are worse things I could do, as well, but hopefully won't. Basically, I have all the long weekend to worry about it. Luckily, I am reading a riveting legal thriller by Karin Slaughter, "The Good Daughter", which I found in a Little Library cabinet, and that's taking my mind off the DMV ordeal. I'm still managing to avoid organizing my photos, but I'm circling around the idea, have the plastic bins out and ready, and am visualizing two organized bookcases instead of a daunting array of falling appart photo albums. See? I'm trying to motivate myself. It usually works, but after a great deal of time goes by. Oh, right. That has already happened!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today is my husband's birthday. I made him his favorite breakfast, walked around his favorite reservoir with him and we are ordered a favorite meal to be delivered tonight. I grumble about him a lot, but after 47 years married, it's basically about his being a man and all the habits and behaviors of the species, and since I seem to be heterosexual up until now, that's what I'm attracted to. He has disappointed me, angered me, surprised me, amazed me and been my faithful companion for over 48 years. He protected me from my first husband, loved my children not immediately but fairly quickly, has never intentionally hurt me, stuck by whatever hairbrained scheme I was embarking on, taken care of the kids so I can write, visit friends, etc. We don't share interests except for a couple of big ones: faithfulness (we'd both been cheated on before), passion for art and travel, and the kids and grandkids. That's been more than enough. We analyze movies, he tells me the news in agonizing detail, I like to discuss Buddhism with him ( I mean lecture). I need a lot of space and am other oriented, he is an introvert who loves Suduku and puzzles, which I hate. I read, he doesn't. I loved him from the first time I saw him, and an old photo of him still tugs at my body as well his current state of advancing age. We shouldn't work, but we do. It's laughable, but I don't regret a thing, not even the habits he has that annoy me. He's my steady champion and admirer, and I am his.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm feeling secure as I just purchased books for my bedside supply. I read the reviews, and my choices look good on paper. I have a long weekend to get through at the end of which is my driving test, so I need fortifying. I was surprised yesterday when I realized that somehow I was spelling my youngest grandson's name incorrectly recently. I checked my birthday book. It was spelled correctly, but somehow I'd got into my noggin that it was a different spelling. Both spellings sound identical, and I realized the one his parents chose I do like better, but I have been spelling it the old fashioned way. Well, I'm nothing if not old fashioned, or rather, ancient. It made me feel feeble minded, and the tension of turning another year old in a few days has evidently scrambled my brains. I guess I've been in isolation too long, and nobody has seen me write his name. It was seeing his cubbie at preschool that made me realize my mistake. Oh, dear!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had written a letter to Moms Rising about childcare issues, and last night a person from the organization called from New York to ask me if I'd be willing to be put on their speaker list if somebody wanted to hear a personal point of view about child care. I remember many times when child care was critical for me with my kids and now I'm seeing how the more things change the more they stay the same, as my grown kids are struggling with the same issues I faced. Each of my four kids has one child, except for the youngest, who has two, and I am a witness to the costs, the fight to be put on a waiting list for a preschool, what to do when you lose your daycare and how much it stresses the parents. I feel I'm ready to talk about these stories now, as time and distance have given me a perspective I didn't have before. If it helps in the fight for daycare, paid leave and support for families, I'll do it.