Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband has had a motorcycle parked in the garage for over twenty years. It has not been ridden and now, of course, the battery is dead. Our younger son tried to help him by suggesting that a friend would buy it, but that was years ago and he wasn't ready. Now, by chance, a AAA guy starting the battery on one of our cars asked about it, and suddenly, my husband is willing to give it to this guy. Never give up hope! I have no idea what is causing my husband to finally let go. I've not pushed him. He is saying goodbye to all his biking adventures, his memories and the fact that at his age now, he will not ride again. That's a hard process, and I respect it. As my Zen teacher used to quote Suzuki Roshi: "It takes as long as it takes". I have dreams I have had to give up, like seeing Machu Pichu and the Galapagas Islands. I have macular degeneration and cannot risk going to altitudes over 7,000 feet. We both gave up skiing and then cross country skiing. We constantly say goodbye to people and activities we used to love. Yet the compensations are great: grandchildren and great friends and new pursuits. Life has it's balances.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

While we were walking around a reservoir, my husband and I discussed Scify movies. We'd just finished Season 3 of "The Expanse", which we both really liked. I suggested there were mainly three kinds of scify movies: the warning,the universe is bigger than us, and the beware the machines films. In the first category are climate catastrophes like "2012", "Day After Tomorrow" and "Twentyeight Days Later". Bigger than us are: "Arrival", "2001" a Space Odessy", "Independence Day", "War of the Worlds", "The Day the Earth Stood Still", Interstellar" and "Deep Impact". Machines films are: "AI", "Terminator", "Her", "Monority Report"", "Edge of Tomorrow", "Chappie", "Blade Runner" and "Forbidden Planet". Some scifys are fantasies, I guess, like "Star Wars" and "Star Trek" and "A Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy". Then there is "Space Balls", which I love, which spoofs the genre, and "Star Troopers". All the films can be escape, or point out problems we face as a planet. For me, in my generation so afraid of atomic war, "Terminator" expresses my fears as a teenager. "Arrival" and "Interstellar" give me hope for healing and evolution of our humanity to a higher plane. Climate fears get faced in movies like "Day After Tomorrow. During the Trump years, I loved watching "World War Z", with zombies taking over the planet. "Gut up" Brad Pitt's character told an Israeli soldier after he hacked off her hand. Indeed!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We celebrated our son-in-law's birthday last night and we were all thrilled to eat dinner INSIDE. The little boys, one and four, loved the balloons, beads and hot wheels cars, and both ate the "cake" a key lime pie. The boys like crusts. My daughter looked nice in a skirt, which reminded me I could have dressed up a bit, but I'm so out of practice I forgot. The little guys were good through dinner, though the four year old wanted us to hurry up and finish eating so we could have cake. After, he danced around the living room with his balloons and necklaces, and even tried a break dance move, copied from his year older cousin. We didn't have the rest of the family, but still, it felt more like before covid. Today I talked with a dear friend from graduate school and got tips on how to find a puppy. They just closed the deal on one, and she was going out after to buy leashes, dog toys and treats. I believe this fall we will look for one ourselves. And it's sunny today, so everything seems more possible.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I just finished a long phone conversation with my exson-in-law's mother. She lives back east, so we seldom see each other, but I adore her son, my granddaughter's father, and I've always appreciated the warmth and friendliness of his parents. His father has been gone many years but his mother is funny, wise and so interested in so much in the world. I wanted her to be assured that her son and granddaughter were doing well. But I also just like talking to her. She is trying to decide whether to sell her house and move, because the son she lives nearby is moving west to be by one of his sons, and she probably needs to relocate by one of her four sons. It involves a lot of decision making and since her sons are all in different areas of the country, two out west, one down south and one in a city that no one can afford to move to, it's quite a delima. She's lived in the house all her married life and raised four sons there, but last year four of her friends died, and she has no attachments left to enliven her life. I feel lucky my kids are all on the same coast, a little over an hour's flight away, except for my daughter and son-in-law, who live a mile away. It's them who will help us when we need it, and our relationship anchors me where I am, surrounded by friends. But I could be in my in-law's situation, and I feel it deeply. It's true old age is not for sissies.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I completed the first step of renewing my driver's license today, by having an eye test and failing, getting the form for my eye doctor, and having my photo taken. After I have the exam and the form gets filled out, I'll have a driving test. They were pleasant at the DMV and it took under an hour. I'm grateful. Then my husband and I walked with our friends a couple of miles to a South Asian restaurant we like and gorged ourselves on Tikka Masala, Saag Paneer and the like. Then we walked home hoping to burn a couple of hundred of the million calories we ate. Tonight we are having curry at our daughter's house, and are invited early so we can watch the boys while she cooks. a definite India theme today. Yesterday she received a job offer, and is happy to have a job teaching second grade in the fall. Now she can relax this summer knowing her job search is over. She is really going to be stretching herself, but we hope to help a bit. I did it, but now I just can't remember how!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I took a walk and had lunch with my Buddhist swim buddy. It is the Buddha's birthday, and with the eclipse and orange moon, she considered our meeting auspicious. We hugged for the first time in over a year, and with felt so good to be doing something together, instead of talking on the phone or texting. She showed me some of her favorite trees around where she lives, and an enchanting succulent garden that was rainbow colors and filled with surprises. She recommended a book I've heard about: Finding the Mother Tree, so I ordered it. During our meal her daughter kept trying to speak with her, and she told her she was at a cafe with me, and would call later, but the daughter kept texting. It was unsettling for me, and I am now wondering if there is some crisis developing. So I am still unsettled. Well, on the Buddha's birthday, what could be more appropriate than being unsettled?! Of course I am always and forever unsettled, I just seldom notice it. The joke's on me.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm thinking about George Floyd today, and his calling for his mother. Today my family is bouncing around ideas for our daughter's memorial service in the fall. Her daughter is participating actively, and I'm so proud of her. We all NEED this ritual, and we want to be inclusive. Our daughter had many friends and coworkers who miss her terribly. We want the service outside, an honoring of her amazing life. She has changed us forever, and anyone who felt the death of George Floyd is also changed. But us moms, we FEEL for George Floyd. He's our son, he's the baby and boy we made such effort to raise well, the man we are proud of, with that little boy still inside him as he died. He loved his mom. He wanted her to save him. She couldn't, but we can keep trying to save others whose voices have been silenced and unheard. We must march for justice, compassion and interconnectedness. Raise our voices, mothers, and treat every other person as your own child.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I ate outside on the patio of a cafe with a friend today. My first venture into outside seating and her third. We took our time eating and it felt so luxiorious. Then we shopped (masks on) at two stores and after I dropped her off and went to a bookstore and got the next three books in a series that my granddaughter loves, and then mailed them to her at the post office. From eight thirty am I was babysitting my youngest grandson while my daughter was interviewed for a teaching job. So I've had a full day, and accomplished some things. Seeing friends again has been great, and we've all had our struggles and come through pretty well. We've all had families to support us, and we've telephoned, texted and sent cards to each other to keep up our spirits. We've all lost people close to us, so we understand each other, and we listen. What a gift that listening is. I'm grateful for it and do my best to be a good listener myself. These days I have nothing urgent to impart. I'd rather discover new details of my friends' lives so I can know them better.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Yesterday, as I was going down the steps from my studio to the house, I saw a neighbor's cat, Toby, who likes to visit our yard. He was on plants right next to a squirrel, which I figured he had killed, but the squirrel moved, and shooed Toby away, then I went and got my husband. We decided to call animal control and they told us to wait twenty minutes then call back because the officier was rescuing two kittens out of a hole. Soon a crow got very interested, and I had to yell at it to keep it from looming over the poor squirrel. My husband and I took turns watching out for predators, and when my husband called the control again they said to put a box over the squirrel. It would be curled up then go in a circle but couldn't seem to walk get up or down a step. Generally, we're exasperated with squirrels who dig up our plants, mess in our gutters and make a lot of noise, but we didn't want to watch one die. Two hours later, with the officier still not out, I went inside to start dinner and after a few minutes my husband rushed in saying the squirrel had pushed the box away, run down the steps, and zipped up a nearby tree. So Toby had not chomped on the squirrel, and probably the critter had knocked himself out playing Tarzan in the trees, and it took hours to recover. We were proud of ourselves for caring about an animal grabbing and disposing of the squirrel. We had twarthed a cat and two crows, and whatever else was lurking around waiting for a juicy morsel. Our day was shot, but we'd saved a tiny creature.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I take the news quiz on the New York Times every week, and despite not reading or listening or watching the news I usually do pretty well. Somehow, a friend talks about something or I see headlines in the newspaper. This week I only was one percent correct. i consider this an achievement. I have managed to avoid the onslaught of what's happening. Now I do participate in Mons Rising, so I read about and sign over issues I care about with women, and I do read gun control updates, AsianPacificIslander emails, Ms Magazine, and Instagram posts by Elizabeth Warren, Ocasio-Cortez, Stacey Abrams, as well as other faves. But those issues are rarely in the quiz. So why do the quiz? Because that is the way I find out what the NYTimes thinks is important for the week. The bonus of taking the quiz? I learn some geography from having to guess where on the map is an area in the news. So then I go back a day later and usually remember what I got wrong, correct it, and have an update on the state of the world without much effort or upset. I know it probably sounds convoluted, but then, what else have I got to do with my time? Try it. It's a painless way to be informed, but not too informed so that you can't sleep at night.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm reading a book, "The Anatomy of Grief" that talks about the evolution of the human brain, and the signs of grief we see in animals and reptiles and birds. I know, no one but me would be reading this, except maybe my dear deceased Zen teacher Yvonne Rand. I find it comforting to read about what I am experiencing and what others have in the past or now. I'm in an altered state, which has no name or description. Yet grief is universal and no one escapes it. In the part I was reading this morning, the author describes what happens when the death is anticipated, as it was with my daughter, in her case from the beginning diagnosis but intensifying when the cancer returned, and stunning us when there was no treatment left and only the choice of how and when to die. How complicated it is when you are praying and bargaining to be the lucky one, the exception, to miraculously survive, as my own mother did when she was 34 and was the first person with her kind of brain tumor to live. I'm so proud my daughter lived vibrantly and fully, while preparing her daughter and the rest of us for the fate we could not bear to contemplate. This book is helping me name my experience as much as it can be, since there are no words for the loss of a child, no matter what her age.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a deep talk with a friend this afternoon. She was my kids' pediatrician, and we became friends because we were neighbors and our daughters were friends. Today we talked about loss - her husband who died and my daughter's recent death. She understands so well what it is to be witness to someone you love's deterioration and death. I had to laugh at myself because I ordered about eight mysteries to take along on my trip, and when I began reading them, one after another, the plot would have a daughter who died. I gravitated towards my grief unconsciously, and I was grateful because each book had something true and profound about the grieving process. So I guess I needed to dive into these books. It's great to have buddies who know this long and painful process and are on the journey as well. We had tea outside and "caught up" with each other. Many years ago she was diagnosed with breast cancer and her treatment prepared me for my daughter's experience. Though my friend fortunately had a less virulent form and has had no reoccurence. She is one of my many guides and fellow travelers who ease my way maybe not into acceptance, but into my altered life. I am fortunate to have these long term friends by my side.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I drove to JoAnn Fabrics this afternoon, and I must say, it was a thrill. I picked out yarn and fabrics for baby blankets, and the packs of Necco Wafers for my husband. He has this obsession with Neccos, and they are hard to come by these days. He actually asked me to get him some when I told him where I was going. Pathetic man! Oh, well, I do have my own bad urges, so I can't be too superior. Just touching the soft flannel fabrics and enjoying the colors and variety was heavenly. I found a lama print fabric, and one with elephants, and two with moon and stars. The other two were striped and with stars. I love making baby things, and as I'm hosting a baby shower near the end of June, I have a goal, which helps. I also intend to sew a baby pillowcase for my two year old grandson. Our weather has been gloomy, but I've found distractions. Today I walked with a friend and tomorrow I babysit my one year old grandson then visit a friend who has had shoulder replacement surgery. Then the next night we celebrate our son-in-law's birthday, and that will be fun. The four and one year old boys will make it so.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I have a collection of carved elephants from over the years that fascinate my grandchildren. I read this week that elephants, of all mammals, seem to experience the longest and deepest grief of all non-humans. Perhaps that is part of their attraction. When I was in India, and saw an elephant along the road for the first time, it was an epiphany. I somehow have this heart connection. I've been following elephant posts on Instagram, and delight in them. Many years ago, when my oldest two kids got married within three months of each other, I made a quilt to celebrate each of the marriages. I sewed one with horses for my son and his wife and one with elephants for my daughter and her husband. My daughter later protested that she didn't like elephants, it was ME who did, and I realized she had wanted horses herself. Both she and my daughter-in-law had owned horses, ridden for many years and competed in horse shows. She was right, I was unconsciously projecting my love and admiration for elephants, their steadfast attachment to family and their loyalty onto my wishes for my daughter's marriage. She taught me a lesson. But elephants have been teaching me about grief, and not letting go before experiencing that emotion fully. I am grateful.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

When we were up visiting our granddaughter and son-in-law, he told me my daughter had written letters to her daughter for her birthdays, and he had just given her the one of her 13th birthday and she loved it. When I was thinking about it after, I realized that I had suggested this plan to her, and I was so touched she'd taken my advice. As she was dying, a delayed (because of the pandemic) gift of flowers and a gold necklace with a small disk that said "loved" arrived, but my daughter was struggling too much to register the flowers, which we put on the bureau by her bed, or wear the necklace, so I was moved to see my granddaughter wore it every day I was visiting, for a week. It was her way of keeping her mother close to her heart. I wear a neckace that says "we only have now", not every day but when I need it, and my daughter's book editor just sent me a silver necklace with a minature of my daughter's book cover and back of the book, in the purple and gold that echoes the cover of my book written several decades ago. These are tokens of our love and grief. And they help. I want to write letters to my kids and grandkids and follow my own advice. I know how I wished for some missive from my parents when they died, and was so grateful my brother wrote a four page letter to me before he died. It helps comfort the saddened heart.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've had so much to do after arriving home that I forgot to write in my blog yesterday! Being gone a month means things stack up and we had to re-supply ourselves and return calls and order medications and check in with friends. My aunt died while I was away and I still don't know the status of my cousin, as no one is picking up her land line or cell, so I sent a note via mail yesterday. I had people to thank for gifts and lists to make. Today we took one of our cars in for service and Monday we bring in the other. In the midst of all this: joy. Our granddaughter got her first covid vaccine shot yesterday, which is such a relief and will mean she can socialize with her friends, and at 13 that's the whole ball game. Today's news about not needing to mask is terrific, and I've already walked with two good friends maskless unless we were close to someone. I want to go to a couple of grocery stores, a bookstore, and buy Moroccan oil for my hair! Yesterday I strolled my one year old grandson without a mask and played with him in his backyard without a mask. I even picked him up, which I've not done except once since he's been born. My women's group will meet in a little over a week and we can actually hug each other! There are plenty more challenges out there for us, but for now, I'm going to enjoy the reprieve for a while.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm back home after a month of visiting our younger son, his wife and son for two weeks then staying a week with our son-in-law and granddaughter. We had great visits, and I saw two women friends as well, plus friends of my daughter who died. It was bittersweet, because each place we stayed brought up memories of other trips, and our last trips were to be with our daughter and then to support her when she died. Yesterday I brought back her ashes, which we will later scatter in the mountains as per her request. Some of her ashes are under a dogwood tree and Tara statue in her back yard, where her exhusband and daughter live. It was good to get away from our own house and life here for a while. While I was away an aunt died, my mother's younger sister, and my dear cousin was in a nursing home recovering from covid. So, as is the case at my age, every day is complex and both sad and happy. We had terrifically good weather, and up north, everything is green and lush and blooming in a way it never can here. Dogwood trees, liliacs, tulips, daffodils, rhododendrons, azaleas, fruit trees. One day went went to a tulip farm and just bathed ourselves in the beauty of the flowers. So there was much comfort and healing to be had. Now I'm glad to see my friends here again, and my daughter and son who live here. I'm preparing for a baby shower for my friend's daughter in June, and looking forward to time at our cabin. The world goes on, as it should and must. I ride along on my life kite, taking it all in.