Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I've been helping today with my daughter and her two kids, 3 years and 4 mos. old.  It's exhausting!  But they leave no room for grief, as they are busy and clamoring for attention every second.  We took a long walk with the 3 year old on his scooter and me pushing the stroller with the baby.  We admired many flowers and bees.  We avoided people without masks, careless cars and dogs pulling to lick us.  We stopped in the shade so my grandson could eat his cut up pear.  I tried feeding the baby a bottle when we returned, but he wasn't having it.  However, he will eat a few spoonfuls of oatmeal.  The 3 year old and I played matchups, and delivery truck and read a book about how ramen was invented (thee quick kind).  I left ready to flop down in a chair and vegetate.  Now I am somewhat recovered and ready to tackle my mystery until I invent something for dinner not involving a salad, or maybe a grilled peach salad with something else to be discovered in the refrigerator. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had brunch outside at our friends' house, and it was two hours of normalcy, except for the wipes when I went inside to the bathroom and not passing food.  We hadn't seen each other in some time, and we shared updates about ourselves and our kids.  None of us had a sense of what is safe or unsafe, so we social distanced and wore masks part of the time.  Could we have the Covid and be asymptomatic?  Have we had it but not been tested?  Where is the rise in cases coming from?  The information is truly confusing and with no real guidance we are all winging it.  I concentrated on enjoying the back yard and seeing my friends and my husband was grateful to be able to talk to someone besides his therapist and me.  He doesn't have friends he communicates with anymore.  He lost his connections when he retired.  I couldn't live the way he does, but I am much more social, and both my parents were as well.  But I think he underestimates how much his isolation affects him.  Hopefully, he will make more effort to talk to others.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I spent all day talking on the phone:  our son, my childhood friend, two neighbors, etc.  Responding to previous calls and checking in.  And I feel comforted, though slightly exhausted.  I should have taken a walk, but oh, well.  The day has been overcast and I'm sick of walking around my neighborhood and avoiding people.  The runners think they own the sidewalk, as do the younger people with their tiny dogs.  Us old folk have to go out in the street and risk being hit by a car.  Courtesies are unraveling at an alarming rate.  One day we're opening up, the next we're closing back down, people have no symptoms but are carriers, I might go into a store, but then again it might be closed back down.  It's migraine producing.  This is the nightmare the depression must have been for my parents and grandparents.  NO END IN SIGHT.  So the little things are the only things to notice, and very carefully:  a song of a bird in a tree, the frogs at night, the siren of an ambulance, the hum of a plane overhead.  The world is on pause........

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We spent the day with our three year old grandson, and as we returned home after dropping him off, a delivery of three books came from my favorite bookstore.  They might as well have been gold bricks.  I am thrilled to have something new to read.  I was getting through Bring Up the Bodies pretty well, but these books are mysteries, so more attune with my brain energy level right now.  I am, however, playing National Treasure with my four year old grandson, by Facetime, and he's getting a kick out of it.  Next week:  a new map and ten new clues.  Bless his heart, he's totally enthusiastic.  I used to be good at treasure hunts for my kids' birthdays, but I haven't done this in many years.  Next week, I am determined to have the clues rhyme, as I did back in the day.  Wish me luck!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today my fourteen month grandson played with a hose, a bucket and a watering can.  He was in a state of bliss.  Water and dirt, the two great fascinations of the toddler.  If I tried to give him the hose while it was turned off, he pointed at the faucet.  He could not be fooled.  The patio cement got well watered, but he had no real interest in the plants.  He went about his simple task over and over and over, stopping only to point up to the sky when a plane flew over.  He took two long naps, exhausted by his sacred water task.  I had only to watch and hope he didn't get too wet, which he didn't, as he is not old enough yet to want to soak himself.  The comfort of watching a child revel in the elements is infinite.  He knows to gravitate toward water, of which we are all composed and which represents life to all the earth.  He reminds me of what is important.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I friend of mine died recently and it was so soon after my daughter died I didn't get the details, but she was only 72, and such a life force.  She had five kids from two marriages, and she was the owner of the preschool my younger daughter went to when we moved here.  She was my friend and supported me as I grappled with my Dad dying of cancer, not knowing anyone and my kids beginning new schools and trying to make friends.  I was fond of her and our younger daughters became friends and occasionally classmates.  We bumped into each other at Parents' Nights and events, and when her older daughter took over the running of the preschool and then her son, I kept recommending the school to people because it was so gentle, filled with music, swimming lessons at the local pool, field trips to a science place, really such a safe nurturing place to be.  I hope her kids and grandkids find comfort in delightful memories of her, as I do.  I'm taking time out to grieve for her and acknowledge her loss.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today I talked to my therapist, helped my daughter with her two little ones, then sat outside with a good friend and talked.  The engagement with others really helps me feel better.  We are all starved for more connection, as well as stimulation, variety and a sense of safety.  I'm hoping people are able to tolerate these challenges without becoming enraged or alienated from others.  I'm praying for everyone's safety and that the kindness inside them will prevail.  Things are shifting rapidly, and some of this change will be beneficial, but it's difficult to see it in the middle of what seems to be utter chaos.  We must center ourselves so our calm radiates outward.  We all have the tools to do this - we just in the will to do it.  I do so hope more people will speak to and embody equanimity so that we may heal and understand our mutual dependence on each other. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our state is rising in COVID cases and we've been trying so hard to be careful that I'm discouraged.  Wearing a mask is something I thought I'd only have to do if I took a spaceship to Mars.  I'm trying to get used to it, but along with not getting deliveries on time or at all, cooking with a half empty pantry, being sick of everything I do cook, and other complaints too numerous and trivial to mention, I'm feeling dreary.  Then there is the huge thing I can do nothing about:  my daughter's death.  I attempted to get to thank you cards today, but just writing the addresses on the envelopes depressed me.  I did take a long walk with a dear friend, and at the end we sat on a bench six feet apart and talked through our masks.  I came home and ate progresso soup and peanut butter and crackers.  If you see me and I look like Mr. Peanut minus the top hat you'll know why.  Grumble, grumble, grumble. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I hope my husband had a nice Father's Day.  Two of our kids, their spouses and children came for lunch, which we had delivered.  We ate on our patio and the kids played outside with water, dirt and trucks.  It turned out to be a sunny warm day, so we felt good and the grandchildren went home tired and ready for naps.  Had our older daughter still been alive, she would have sent a gift and called.  Saying we miss her is an understatement, but we go on.  We will treasure our memories and honor our granddaughter as she adjusts to life with her dad alone.  Luckily, she has a fantastic dad, who is everything you hope your grandkids would have, and he will keep her busy and in touch with her feelings.  And I must put a word in for my father, who I was certain adored me and would do anything for me.  He's a big reason I respect myself.  I miss him thought it has been 34 years since he died.  I see him in myself, and most of what I see I'm so proud of.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I was reading about the Tulsa race "riots" of 1921, which I had not known about before, and remembered John Singleton's film "Rosewood", which I saw with my friend a few years ago.  I was ignorant of that history as well at the time.  We do not know what we need to know.  The fact that students in our country are woefully unprepared for adult citizenship is partially because history, relevant history, is not conveyed to them.  Tensions we see now have precedents.  We bury our heads in the sand rather than addressing the elephant in the room.  When I think back on the movement against apartied in South Africa, I feel ashamed, because we should have also been boycotting all the institutions in this country which condoned or looked the other way while people of color were being treated unfairly.  Yes, I marched and protested over black power issues back in the day, but not nearly enough.  The history of our country is full of racism, against Native Americans, Chinese, Japanese and Black, among others.  We need to talk about this history and make reparations and then have reconciliation commissions, and cease tolerating bigotry and hate.  Black lives matter, and we need to speak up, defend them and act like they do matter, deeply and profoundly. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It is Juneteenth and I'm happy to see more celebrants and attention paid.  I played with my three year old grandson this morning, then we had lunch with our one year old grandson and his parents.  He was happy holding the hose and the watering can, even without the water.  Simple pleasures.  My former son-in-law is picking up our daughter's ashes this afternoon.  We will scatter them when it's safe and we can be together.  I'm glad to know she is back home with her daughter, and that her wishes have been adhered to in every way we could manage it.  We are doing our best, and in the meantime, we go on with our lives without her.  How strange this life can be.  And yet we are not without her in our hearts, and never will be.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I talked with my therapist this morning, and it was a great comfort to me.  She is my witness, especially about things I don't want to burden my family with.  I tell her the stuff that I need to tell SOMEONE, and her responses keep me on track.  I felt better after describing the events of my time with my daughter and her exhusband and my granddaughter.  I feel the great benefit of her wisdom and also the teachings of my two Buddhist guides over the last thirty plus years.  I had some skills and tools that supported me throughout my daughter's cancer struggles over the last six plus years.  I hope I was comforting to her, and to her exhusband and my granddaughter, and that I eased situations just a little bit.  Now I am weary and will attempt to take gentle care of myself, and my other kids and grandkids.  My friends have been and continue to support me.  I am blessed.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

One day home and I admit to being comforted by the routines, cooking, seeing my kids and grandkids and my own bed and pillow.  We still had trouble sleeping last night, but we did finally get back to sleep again in the early morning, wrapped around each other despite the heat.  I had a dream about Ramiza's ashes, that they were in a hard metal disk, and I woke up disoriented, but I made scones with dried cherries and chocolate chips, and the baking soothed me.  Still many things I have an aversion to thinking about, but I'm being kind to myself.  I can face those later.  I ordered three mysteries for escape and pleasure, but am reading again a bit.  A biography about a man's father who was a communist and brought up on charges in Michigan in the fifties.  I find myself interested in the era, when I was a small child and knew nothing about politics.  I wish I knew nothing now, as everything I seem to learn is distressing.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

When I read Joan Didion's book about the death of her daughter years ago, I couldn't imagine such loss.  Now my own daughter has been dead for eleven days, and it's like walking through the looking glass:  everything is strange in this new world where my daughter is not alive in it.  The loss is indescribable and fathomless.  She fought to live with every fiber of her being, and though witnessing it was agony, I know how much she had packed into her short life, and how passionate she was about so many things:  her daughter, her friends, her family, painting, writing, traveling, food, reading, teaching, and mentoring others.  She lived a full life, and so many people miss her and tell us of her importance to them.  Right now I have images of the last two weeks she lived that haunt me, but I know all the times we laughed, shared books, went to art museums, traveled together and admired her daughter, my granddaughter will surface again and I will feel joy that she was in my life for 49 years and made my world brighter and filled with love.  Ramiza, we will love you forever.