Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Babies like to change things up.  My grandson is adjusting his naps, and I hope I survive it.  He was a little crab cake today, acting sleepy, but crying when I tried to rock him to sleep.  He took two short naps that left him cranky, and I resorted to strolling him to get him back to sleep.  Later, after he'd been on the floor, in the swing, in the bouncy chair, rocked, walked and sung to, I sat him on the kitchen counter and he talked to the toaster.  That pleased him for five minutes.  I, however, was bored by the appliances, but anything to appease him.  I came home feeling crumpled and exhausted.  Hopefully, he will figure out if he wants to be asleep or awake, and not broadcast any more mixed messages.  But he's five months old, so surprises are in store.  If he gives up naps entirely, I resign from the grandmother post.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I put out my Halloween decorations this morning.  I've given most of it away to my kids, but I keep enough to make it fun when my grandkids come over.  My favorite sign is:  WELCOME MY PRETTIES.  I like the witch stuff, as well as the ravens and crows and ghosts.  I send or give the grandkids cards each year with paper decorations for their houses.  I love seeing kids in costume, and delight in what my grandkids choose.  Some of my favorites are my granddaughter as an ice cream cone, my middle grandson as a baby dragon, and my oldest grandson as a fairy Thomas the Train.  This make-believe stuff is creative, and my kids make sure it isn't about the candy.  I never give candy to them, only books or stuffies.  Already I've given the oldest boy a Snoopy dressed as a pumpkin.  I used to make caramel apples, but gave it up because of the sugar.  If I'm lucky I'll get to watch one of the grandkids trick or treating.  Last year I observed my middle grandboy being amazed at how wonderful the piece of candy he received tasted.  He only went to five houses, and each time he stopped and unwrapped the candy and stuffed it in his mouth before moving on.  No doubt much teeth brushing occurred at bedtime, but he definitely thought it was worth it.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

What a boxed in trap our country is in right now!  No one wants impeachment, because there is important business for Congress to address, yet the tipping point has been passed, and leaving this President to his own devices is terrifying.  Impeaching him won't stop him, and not trying to stop him is not an option, as he is so rogue it's a nightmare.  We are all damned if we do and damned if we don't.  This President has never been told no in a way that impacts his actions.  I cannot visualize any move will alter his behavior.  And we can all envision worse that what has already transpired.  With him, all boundaries are childhood dares that he relishes smashing.  We have to speak up, and that is what the impeachment process represents, but while it is going on, what more catastrophic damage can he do?  I won't name the actions that could destroy our country, but they loom on the horizon.  I hope against hope some end to this travesty is found swiftly and without further hurting our nation.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We've had a light misty rain all day.  Very strange for us, and the time of the year as well.  We've had super hot temperatures, then a dip of 30 or more degrees.  Our lime tree responded by dropping all it's leaves, like a fall foliage tree.  We are hoping it will come back, but the trauma is obvious.  Some of my family welcomes the cooling trend, but I like it hot.  Naturally, if I were doing manual labor I would feel differently, but I do like a day without socks and a jacket.  A little sweat is fine with me.  My baby grandson doesn't mind either, so we stroll out in the heat, him with a muslin drape over his stroller, me in my trusty sun hat.  I try to keep him on the shady side of the street, as he can't fully sit up yet, so the sun can get in his eyes.  Yesterday we also perused the bookstore and fruit and veggie market for a little down time from the sun.  Today would be a good day for strolling, but I have my next oldest grandson instead, and we went to the wildlife museum to look at hawks, tarantulas, chuckwallas and turkey vultures.  He didn't wear a jacket, and was more concerned about his toy kitties left in the car than the weather, but we did cut it short, as he had to pee and is going through potty training which stresses him about accidents.  I bought him a book about animal poop and how to recognize it.  Seems like pretty much what is occupying his thoughts these days.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Our younger son just got a big promotion and raise.  When he described how he approached his boss, I had a chill of deja vu, because he sounded so much like my dad, and his approach was blunt and humorous and endearing, all at the same time.  I've noticed for years that his hand gestures, when he speaks, are identical to my father's, but this time it was his words that echoed.  My father had charisma in spades, was known for his straight talking, and didn't hesitate to be brutally honest with his bosses.  Eventually, he was the vice president in charge of operations, so his straight shooting didn't hurt him any, and the only reason he never became president was not having any education and no MBA.  Our son, with a BA in Fine Arts and no business degrees, is super smart about business as well, and, like my Dad, dependable.  It looks like he's as appreciated as my dad was.  Our son was only ten when my dad died, so this is a DNA type of thing.  Dad would be so proud of him, and we are as well.  Hey, Dad, there you are!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Here is how my mind works:  I had my driving test this morning, because I have macular degeneration and have frequent checks.  I was a wreck last night.  I said to myself that I wasn't going to complain, so I shouldn't call my best friend.  Then I decided I would call but not mention it.  Yet when she asked what I was up to this week, out blurted my anxiety.  She's heard it all before, many times.  She gave me advice in one sentence.  I told myself, what does she know?  But I felt better.  This morning, waiting and waiting for the test my mind did cartwheels, summersalts, roller coaster rides.  I got an extremely calm and kind DMV woman.  I passed the test.  My friend was right.  And I was right to tell her, as I don't think I really hide anything from her.  She knows me pretty darned well.  So my gratitude is boundless:  to my friend, my husband, who said maybe you'll get a kind tester, to my son and daughter-in-law, who acted like I would of course pass, and to the tester.  Two more years before I have to do it again.  Will my mind be any calmer?  Not really, but I know who to call!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My husband and I saw a lovely film yesterday, "Honeyland".  It's a documentary about a beekeeper in Masedonia, who is the only beekeeper in Europe who still finds and nurtures the bees in their rocks, trees and caves.  They shot 400 hours of film, and what they've edited tells the story of the last person left in her village (with her mother), and how she survives  and interacts with a nearby town and her neighbors.  It is touching, utterly revealing and a glimpse into a world we know nothing about.  The co-filmmakers are women, and I like that as well.  They tell her story so empathetically and undramatically, which is refreshing.  There is no agenda or talking point.  We just meet and get to know an amazing woman, surviving utterly on her own, but with daily, simple interactions that illuminate her soul. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Seeing images of the youth of the world marching in demand for action on climate change yesterday made me feel sad and proud.  They want a future for themselves, and we are the ones not insuring that future to the best of our ability.  Why people in power would not care about their children and grandchildren is impossible for me to fathom.  I felt shame at the state of our country, the ignorance of citizens who care only about themselves and right now, the lack of critical thinking ability that has them urging selfish people to be more selfish and blindfold any vision of which they might be capable.  I remember being terrified of the atomic bomb, and when my friend and I would lay out on the cool grass at night and talk about how useless it was to build a bomb shelter as we'd seen in Life magazine, because we lived close enough to Washington, D.C. that we knew we'd be obliterated.  We were children, but we were furious with our leaders who played so fast and loose with our futures.  These children now are speaking a truth the adults wish to ignore.  I hope the visionaries, even though they may be few and far between, answer this call for mercy.  This is not a game, and even the super rich will not escape the consequences of ignoring the cries of the planet.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We took our almost three year old grandson to the zoo today, but he was out of sorts and begged to go back home, which we did.  But while we were watching the bears, he asked what the golden bear was doing.  I told him she was trying to get some space away from her two cubs, both of whom are now as big as she is.  She would walk down the hill and sit in the corner of the enclosure, looking at us as if to say:  "Can't I ever get a moment to myself?  These cubs never stop bungling".  And they didn't.  They'd follow her down the hill, then goof with a plastic pipe toy, the hammock, whatever, then she'd mosey her way up the far side of the hill, and they'd dog her footsteps to the top, then wrestle with each other, then she'd come down hill, and for a couple of minutes would have peace and quiet, until here they came, lumbering down to bug her again.  Toddlers, I thought.  It ain't easy.  Then we took our toddler back home, where he needed his kitties, pillow and blanket, then agreed to march up our stairs, get in bed and let me read to him for five minutes, before collapsing in the middle of pillows and kitties and blankets.  Out like a light.  I felt like sleeping right beside him, but instead returned phone calls and now am typing this.  And listening for any sign of an awakening bear cub.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

A second day of rain!  It's so nice to smell and hear it.  It's a gentle rain, and I can practically hear the plants and trees slurping it up.  Today my daughter-in-law will work from my studio and I will take care of the little scrub inside the house.  I do hope we get a stroll in.  Yesterday he was a bit fussy, and when his parents returned I was bouncing him in his bouncy seat.  His face glowed with smiles as he saw them, and I had this pang for him, and how much he misses them.  I try, and hug and cuddle and sing, but I am not Mommy and Daddy.  I cannot replace them, and he is attuned to them as to lifesaving water.  I know they struggle leaving him as well.  It just seems like everyone should have maternity and paternity leave for a year, to get baby adjusted to the world and find the best possible childcare.  I am not the best because I haven't the energy to take him out in the car or carry him in a snuggli or socialize with others where he hears their voices.  I wish our country to get it's priorities straight. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Babysitting went smoothly, and for some strange reason my back didn't hurt.  I may be getting fitter or at least used to lugging around a baby.  We worked around the rain this morning and managed two strolls anyway.  I even read a bit, when the fellow was napping.  I'm into a new Linsey Barclay mystery, about falling elevators in NYC, and it's an awful lot of fun.  Of course, now I may refuse to ever get on an elevator again, now that I know people do die on them and there are accidents each year.  Still, the odds are in favor of that not happening.  Ah, I was just thinking, wouldn't an elevator be nice for babysitting?  Or even at home.  I actually have a neighbor with an elevator, and boy, is it nice.  But for the foreseeable future my little legs are going to have to do the job.  Darn!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I had a walk around a reservoir and lunch outside with a friend, as a birthday celebration.  We spent a lot of time discussing our compulsion to rescue, or rather attempt to rescue our friends.  She has a friend who is trapped by a spouse who is needing round the clock care, and the friend is spiraling downward into depression.  She has expressed suicidal thoughts, and is on an antidepressant that is working negatively, not helpfully.  I lived through my best friend, in my late twenties, killing herself, and I agonized for years about my failure to save her.  I had begged her husband to get her help, offered to take care of their two kids, and yet she died exactly as she said she would.  Then another friend asked me, "What makes you think you have the power to save her?"  and I gradually realized I did not have that ability, but I'd been shoved into the position in my family where I was the rescuer for them and my brother, so it took a lot of therapy to see how complex, and often biological, depression is.  In my sixties a dear friend took her life, and I knew by then just how powerless I was.  And six years ago my brother killed himself.  He had tried in his teens and twenties, then seemed recovered for decades, but his note explained he loved me and just didn't want to live with illness.  I could hear his choice, though I didn't agree with it and I wish he had tried therapy.  But I knew there was nothing I could do.  I knew I couldn't save him, and I'd had a lifetime to try, and fail, and love him anyway.  I feel that way about all the clients in the safehouses I wanted to save.  I hope I helped with some of them, but I knew it was not about me.  It was about the culture, the disease of battering, the disease of devaluing women, the disease of not protecting the helpless.  And it takes a village, a state, a country to change the isolation and despair that some of us experience.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had a birthday brunch (mine and my husband's) today, and it was chaos and running and a few screams and holding on laps.  Three little grandsons, from five months to almost four.  It was crazy and discombobulating and in the midst of it I sighed to myself and thought:  Family.  We all were like a musical chairs team, trying to hold wiggling squirming boys, so that serially we could get our meal eaten.  Two went home for naps after, and the third and his parents visited at the house until they were ready to go to a two year old's birthday party.  I'm ready for a nap myself!  The blessings of family, writ large.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We're having a heat wave, but not a tropical one.  It's dry and the woods and forests are like tinder.  There was an article in the paper this morning about losing many of the giant Sequoia trees.  Every time I hear a siren I hope it isn't a fire.  There are more helicopters circling, searching for brush fires.  September and October are our most beautiful months here, but with the beauty comes the fear.  Earthquakes, fires, this is the season.  I'm lucky that my house is surrounded by trees, big trees.  And though I complain about the lack of sunlight, our place is an oasis in the heat.  But today, I probably won't sit on the back patio, not unless it is near dusk.  I am fortunate.  I read another article that noted that high temperatures affect the poor disproportionately, and part of that is not air conditioners and fans, it is that poor neighborhoods have less trees.  The wealthier the area, the more trees, more shade, cooler temperatures, better air.  If we could insist that development includes trees, and actively plant trees in neighborhoods without them, we could help rectify this injustice.  Yes, low income housing should be in every neighborhood, and it's the moral choice, but in the meantime, we could all plant trees.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Okay.  I'm getting the hang of the baby monitor and the sound machine, and our baby grandson seems to like our house as well.  It's been hot here, so he's been at our place because it's cooler.  He loves the outside:  watching the trees move, the plants, the birds.  He immediately calms down when I take him out.  He loves strolling too, though the sun gets in his eyes, and until he can sit more upright, the shade canopy is not good enough.  What must he think looking at everything as we stroll by?  He is processing, and will show preferences for roses or dogs or street sweepers soon.  How amazing it is that he is naming the world for the first time.  I see my neighborhood through his eyes and everything is bright and miraculous, as if I'd had cataract surgery and could see fully and brightly again.  I have had cataract surgery, but this is better!

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We had dinner Monday night with a friend from childhood, a woman who I've kept in contact with through my parents, who mentored her and her husband when they moved out here, and through our mutual friend.  That friend and I visited her when she received a diagnosis of stage 4 breast cancer, and she and her husband are now out here visiting her daughter and shopping for wedding dresses for a June wedding.  The daughter, who was my parents' godchild, is a delightful, funny, independent, smart woman who owns her own business.  Her fiance is charming and grounded and friendly.  I'm so happy for my friend; that she has this joy and anticipation.  The wedding is in Mexico, so it will be challenging for my friend to attend, but she will.  She's been through many surgeries and medical challenges, and she'll be there for her only child's wedding.  And since the fiance has two kids, one in college and one about to begin, she will have step grandkids.  Sometimes it takes a long time to see your kids settled and with a partner that will see them through their lives, but seeing it is such a blessing.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It was quite warm today and my baby grandson and I hung out in the side yard glider/swing, just chillin'.  We also took two strolls, to get outside.  He was fussy in the morning, but mellow in the afternoon, and took a long nap.  I fell asleep on the couch, and woke up panicked for a minute, until I realized the baby monitor was one inch from my head.  And he has great, you might say operatic, lungs.  I'm enjoying being with him, as he is a major enthusiast about everything he sees, though he wants to taste it all as well.  He's partial to trees swaying in the breeze, and shadows, and anything that moves.  I appreciate the education in just being, no agenda or plan, just hangin' and being, well, really, being present the way the practice urges.  So he's my baby buddha, and he even looks the part.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

It was foggy this morning as we headed out with our younger daughter, her husband and their son, but by the time we got to the zoo in the city it was sunny and balmy.  We usually go to the zoo by us, but they don't have rhinoceroses, hippos, gorillas or anteaters.  So we concentrated on the animals our grandson expressed a desire to see, and it was fun.  This zoo used to be a disgrace, and we hadn't been in over a decade, but now the enclosures are much bigger and more suited to the animals, and they've added beautiful gardens everywhere.  The plants and flowers alone were worth the price of admission.  We especially lingered over the penguins and lemurs.  There was a South American section, a walkabout, a Matagaskar section, an African savannah section and more.  Even the cafe was much better than before.   Our grandson was thrilled with it all, and exhausted enough that after lunch we headed home.  He'd seen some animals in books come to life, and he was mighty satisfied.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

Today is my birthday, and I'm gonna have a good time, nah nah nah nah.  My husband surprised me with a katchina of the sun.  He's holding a forest in his hands (spruce) and has a tail.  The feathers around his head are golden/orange/cedar bark red.  I'm just back from the grocery store and pharmacy.  Us nannies have to shore up at the weekend, but I'm having lunch with a dear friend and we're seeing the film "Farewell" with Awkwafina.  Then tonight my husband and I go out for seafood.  I'm okay with the birthday, it's the aging that gets me.  Joke.  I have lovely plans for a brunch a week from today with the kids and grandkids here.  A dinner with a friend after that and lunch and movie with a friend some night.  A friend sent me goodies yesterday, and another sent a package a week ago.  Blessings rain upon me, and I'm grateful.  Just to be alive is such a gift. 

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

I'm reading "Savage Gods" by Paul Kingsnorth, one of my favorite non-fiction writers (Rebecca Solnit is my fave).  It's so honest, soulful and deep that I'm blown away by almost every paragraph.  I bought three more copies today and gave one to my younger son, will send one to my older daughter, and give one tomorrow to my dear friend and fellow Buddhist.  He's an eco-environmentalist, and my friend and I heard him speak a couple of years ago.  I've read two other of his books, and for a person just over forty, he is so wise.  He is English but has lived in Ireland the last few years, off the grid for the most part, out in the countryside and living with his wife and two children.  His description of the writing life is one of the best I've ever encountered.  His concern for this earth we inhabit is passionate and loving.  His descriptions of trees and birds and the land is Whitmanesque.  This book is a treasure.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We took our baby grandson to a park and he "talked" all the way.  This verbalizing is pretty adorable, and I respond as if I understood what he is saying.  He's very social, and smiley as well.  All of our grandchildren are supersocial and verbal, and this one clearly will be as well.  It's amazing to witness this growth of a baby, and how insistent they are on connecting with other people.  We are meant to be connected and responsive to others.  Anything else is an aberration.  And I'm convinced that the technological world is not satisfactory for our interconnection.  So what will happen?  Will we have more and more lonely people, more Eleanor Rigbys?  It's sad to be shut off from "seeing" people literally.  A need that is primal and basic is not being met.  These children want to touch, feel, see and be in the same room, not with devices, but other beings.  They will suffer greatly if they don't.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

My dear friend fell the other day, in a most mundane accident in her home.  Proof that my having stairs every which way is not really the threat, it's my age, equilibrium and eyesight.  My friend looks like a truck ran over her, but fortunately, it's all superficial and will heal, albeit colorfully.  And her ancient aunt fell last week and lay on the floor 24 hours before she was found, taken to the hospital and then released, as she demanded to go back to her solitary home.  Falling is our fate, but my friend's genetics mean they can be brought down, but not out!  A tough tribe! 
I'm being hyper-careful about footwear and watching where I step, because of babysitting a four month old.  I only have about five steps to the street from my son's house, but yesterday I took the stroller down first, came back and retrieved the baby, then locked him in securely.  Everything I do with him is cautiously undertaken.  He's rolling over both ways, arching and pushing forward, so quite the gymnast. 
The baby's fragile, I feel fragile, my friends are fragile.  Everything must be handled with care.  Priority mail as well.

Wandering Along the Path: Right Speech

We just returned from a trip to see our daughter and granddaughter.  We flew to them then all drove to Orcas Island in the San Juans.  Our little house was perfect and we hiked, played games, did a puzzle, and ate out for two of the three dinners.  Sunday we went whale watching, and saw Orcas frolicking, sea lions, a bald eagle, and all of the other islands.  The weather was perfect, we slept great, and the terrain is beautiful.  There are forests, lakes, farms with produce, sheep farms and alpaca farms.  We ate mussels, clams from a farm, halibut and crab.  Yummy!  Our daughter got two kittens for our granddaughter, and they are here-comes-trouble but irresistible.  Our granddaughter has begun middle school, and seems happy.  She can walk from her mother's and her father's house, which is great.  Our daughter is fighting the good fight with cancer.  It is a roller coaster ride, only much scarier.  Our hearts are with her, but this battle is relentless and makes us feel powerless.  I'm praying her indomitable spirit and fierce will do prevail.  And she gave me a copy of her novel that comes out soon, and I helped her with two questionaires from the publisher, as she has a fractured right wrist now.  She is beyond brave.